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The uncomfortable truths within the Jian Ghomeshi scandal

What began, a week ago, as a shocking revelation that Canada’s favourite radio broadcaster is an alleged abuser with a taste for violent sex has resulted in some very serious soul-searching among feminists.

Actually, October was a supremely poor month for feminism. Among other things, there was #gamergate, where death threats against feminist gamers were so intense they forced some women to temporarily leave home out of fear. And mid month, author Stacey May Fowles enlightened Globe and Mail readers on the perils of being a part of the Canadian literary world after fellow writer Emma Healey revealed she was in an abusive relationship in a piece published on theHairpin.com. There was the viral “catcall video.”

And then Ghomeshi’s unravelling, with its tales of extreme narcissism and the nightmare- (and trigger-) inducing Big Ears Teddy, provoked discussions about BDSM, consent, power and class. They’re all important conversations.

But the part that’s really left me reeling came with Lucy DeCoutere’s interview with Anna Maria Tremonti on The Current. 

In it, the 44-year-old actor describes what it was like having Jian Ghomeshi choke and slap her across the face during a date they had more than 10 years ago. And then she describes her reaction:

“I didn’t leave right away because I didn’t know how to react,” she says. “I felt like if I left it would be impolite.” And later: “I didn’t tell him to stop. I was so surprised. I was really gobsmacked. As I’m telling this story I’m kind of shaking my head.” That same week in Toronto, she met up with him at an “art thing.” They also went to a barbecue together.

I have never been hit by anyone, but I’ve been sexually assaulted twice. Once, a fellow human acted in my defense (by slapping a groper on the TTC across the face since my 13-year-old self was too shocked to do anything), and once in isolation. After hearing DeCoutere’s bewildered tone at her own behaviour, I confessed to friends and colleagues that what she says, about the confusion and the fear and the guilt and the shock and the silence really resonates. Many, including my own mom, shared similar experiences.

I know what I thought when it happened to me, and it was something like, “I shouldn’t have been in this situation to begin with, so I learned something. I’m strong, I’m safe now and I can deal with it.”

We should never, ever blame ourselves, but it seems that many women have a tendency to look inward for any possible responsibility. But when we are silent, we don’t help others stay safe. And we also don’t direct those feelings of shame and guilt – the feelings the perpetrator should be feeling – right back at them. 

Many are asking why rumours never led to a proper investigation at the CBC. Again, that’s an important question. But this isn’t isolated to the CBC or to journalism or to CanLit or to the video game community. 

The “codes” — the rumours, the stories, the warnings we use to make other women in our circles aware of danger — they’re not sufficient. Because not everyone’s in the club. 

For all of the splintering and waves of feminism, from the man haters actor Emma Watson tried to convince us aren’t really feminists to the organizers of Slutwalks to those who feel utterly alienated by Slutwalk to the, well, man haters — it turns out we actually have a lot in common. And that is silently carrying the burden of sexual assault.

It’s important that we try to speak a language everyone understands and support one another while we work to make the important systemic changes that will prevent more of these crimes from happening. We’re already seeing an outpouring of shared stories, with projects like the #beenrapedneverreported hashtag from Antonia Zerbisias at the Toronto Star. 

Let’s also be mindful that how we share these stories can mean a lot of things: it can mean publishing a less-than-perfect blog post (remember Carla Ciccone?), it can be a tweet, a comment on a story or simply told to a friend or mentor.

All social movements tend to be messy, so I don’t think we’re going to get anywhere by being so damn polite or careful or perfect. I say, let’s make a whole bunch of noise. At least it’s a start.

kater@nowtoronto.com | @katernow

See also: Did Ghomeshi have the right to share those videos? and Jian Ghomeshi scandal a teachable moment

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