In case you live under some sort of large stone and haven't heard, or are (somewhat understandably) disinterested in trumped-up spectacles of devil-you-know democracy, the United States of America will elect a president. Bob Dylan says it will for sure be a landslide for Barack Obama. And his new album includes a 14-minute song about the H.M.S. Titanic, so he'd know about historical inevitability.
Anyway, whether you're an American living in Canada, a hardened politico watching wide-eyed as the tides of democracy turn (or don't), or a social media snarkster watching with baited breath to hear what the hell is going to fall out of Romney's mouth, tonight this is the thing that's happening, and if you want to be in the loop, you're required to pay attention. Democracy will wither and wane into the ideological ether if you don't.
If you want to watch what Leonard Cohen once called "the Mighty Ship of State" heave and roll on the churning waves of electoral politics, why not use it as an excuse to get out of the house and darken the doorstop of one of these local haunts?
Harbour Sports Grille (10 Yonge Street, 7:30 p.m.): Republicans Abroad! What are you doing even reading NOW? Hello, all the same. Tonight, you can hobnob with all your Ivy League chums right here in Toronto. Alternatively, dust off your prop monocle and Monopoly Man top hat, wax your moustaches and go clink martini glasses with the enemy. It's $20 just to get in, though, so you better be pretty committed to irony.
Sheraton Centre (123 Queen Street W., 7 p.m.): Alternatively, if you're a registered Democrat living in Toronto-or a Republican/conservative who likes messing with Democrats-head to the Sheraton. This party's a whole $5 more than the Republicans Abroad party ($25, at the door), which must say something about something, right?
The Academy of the Impossible (231 Wallace Ave., 7:30 p.m.): If you like gaffes, you've been rolling around like a pig in...gaffes this election cycle. The web satirists at Truth Mashup will be at the Academy of the Impossible in Bloordale, hosting a live political-comedy podcast, working through many of the slip-ups, shockers, and straight-up boners from the 2012 election trail. If you go to one election night party where someone will remix a clip of Clint Eastwood talking to a chair with the "Gangnam Style" video, this is probably the one.
The Ballroom (145 John St., 8 p.m.): Imagine yelling "Strike!" as the candidate of your choosing carries a swing state. Satisfying, right? Even in theory! Toronto's fanciest downtown alley, The Ballroom, is hosting an election in conjunction with the Toronto Gay Professionals. It's $12, and you have to RSVP, which you can do here. If you like bowling, and are gay, it's bound to be a fun night. And hey, you know who liked bowling? Richard Nixon. Think about it.
The Longest Yard (535 Mount Pleasant Road): The midtown restaurant and bar makes a habit of hosting election night parties. There's even a betting pool-remember Bob Dylan's prediction!-and election themed food like (we're guessing) Hanging Chips and Dip, and Ron Paul Libertarian Stew, made with whatever ingredients you damn please.
The Rhino (1249 Queen Street W.): Drink beer! Yell at TVs! Gripe about the Parkdale bar ban!
The Projection Booth (1035 Gerrard Street E.): The East End cinema is hosting "A Shamelessly Pro-Obama U.S. Election Viewing Party," with Fox and NBC on their big screen, in some sort of Warholian art-house experiment. There's also pizza, which we think also makes this party shamelessly pro-Herman Cain. (Because Herman Cain owns pizza restaurants! Remember? Herman Cain?)
Twitter (The Website Twitter.com, The Internet): Of course, you can "watch" the results roll in the best way: by not watching at all, and developing your whole sense of the forming American political landscape via tweets and quips and hashtags.