Savage Love: Im not getting enough

Dear readers: Im on vacation for the next three weeks but you wont be reading old columns while Im.

Dear readers:

Im on vacation for the next three weeks but you wont be reading old columns while Im away. Youll be getting a new column every week, all of them written by Dan Savage, none of them written by me. Dan Savage is a sports writer and the assistant director of digital content for, and he will be answering your questions this week. Dan has covered six NBA finals and 10 NBA All-Star Games hes appeared on CBS, ESPN, NBA TV, and First Take and his writing has been published at,,, and This is Dans first time giving sex-and-relationship advice.

Other sports writers often tell me they enjoyed reading my latest column, Dan Savage told me in an email, but when they show me the article, its one of your sex advice columns. The joke is going to be on them this time around when its actually my advice!

Im not getting enough

Im a straight guy in my 40s, and Ive been with my wife for more than 20 years. Im incredibly attracted to my wife. Recently, Ive been a bit frustrated with us not having sex as frequently as Id like. So I broached the subject with her. I tried to be easygoing about it, but maybe I fucked that up. Basically, I told her that I fantasize about her daily and would like to have sex more often. I cited two examples of frustration. Two weeks ago, I came on to her and tried to initiate, but we had a dinner party to go to and she didnt want to be late. One week ago, I was flirting with her but was rebuffed because we were going out to dinner and… she wanted to go to dinner more than fuck, I guess. I made my wife cry by bringing this up. End result is that she doesnt want to fuck more than we already do, theres nothing I can do to make sex more appealing for her, and it hurt her for me to bring the subject up at all. I dropped it, apologized, and moved on. I dont want to coerce her into anything (I want her to want me), so here we are. How can I communicate better in the future?

Using My Words

Communication in any relationship is key. On the basketball court, one of the first things young players are taught is to communicate effectively with their teammates. Theyre required to call out plays, offensive assignments and defensive rotations in order to prevent breakdowns and keep the system working smoothly.

In relationships, the same principles hold true. You have to be able to effectively communicate with your partner in order to keep both parties happy. And just like everything else in life, timing is everything.

First, Id make sure you communicate your needs at a time other than when youve just been rebuffed. Youre then likely to be less emotional, think more rationally, and more effectively explain your needs without applying added pressure. Second, Id try making your next move when other plans are not on the table. In both the examples you mention, UMW, the timing of your request appears to have been an issue for her.

Schedule some time for an intimate dinner at home or cap off an exciting evening out on the town with romantic advances. If she doesnt respond to your improved efforts, then shes not being a good teammate. A successful relationship is when both members needs are met, not just one.

Im a 36-year-old bisexual female.

Ive been dating my nice Midwestern boyfriend for about four and a half years. Within the first few dates, I brought up non-monogamy. I was pretty sure from past experiences that long-term monogamy wasnt going to be for me. I get bored, I like attention, and I love the chase. He was against it. I thought, okay, we have a lot of other positive stuff going for us and maybe he would reconsider in the future. I feel like Ive lost a part of my sexual self no adventures, no three-ways, I miss girls, etc. I feel that what I want newness, some kink he isnt trained in, being with a girl, etc. he cant give me. So I brought up opening up the relationship again. My thought is I could get what I need/want and get my engine revving again, and hopefully bring that excitement and spark back to our relationship. He listens to your podcasts now, but he doesnt think he could handle the idea of me with someone else. I dont think I can handle the relationship as it is now, though, and this was my suggestion to try to make it stronger. I feel like Ive already ended the relationship just by bringing this up. Are we doomed?

A Girl Has Needs

I appreciate your having your boyfriend listen to my podcasts oh wait, that was probably meant for the other Dan Savage. Never mind. My podcasts probably wouldnt have helped with this issue.

Your question reminds me of a topic thats currently top of mind in my profession: NBA free agency. In the basketball world its the time of year when teams can go after the best available prospects not under contract and offer them a deal to join their team. Organizations heavily vet these players, talking to their former teammates, coaches and others to make sure their values match up. Theres nothing worse than being locked into a five-year guaranteed contract with a guy who doesnt fit with your franchise. Actually, on second thought, there is getting married to a guy who doesnt share the same relationship goals and values.

If your boyfriend is someone who has no interest in open relationships and from all indications, he doesnt odds are hes never going to be happy in that type of situation. And if youre never going to be happy with monogamy, then you need to find someone whose values match your own. Unfortunately, some people are destined to play man-to-(wo)man, while others are more satisfied in a 2-3 zone.

Ive been hooking up with a good friend for about a year. Were both single, and he lives in another state but comes to town for work every month or two, and we usually hang out and have really great sex when hes here. One of the things Ive always admired about him is his eco-conscious lifestyle… which includes showering only about once a week to save water. His BO is pretty inoffensive (its actually a nice scent), but I find that most times we hook up I get a raging UTI within a day or two. Its happened enough times that Im wondering if his infrequent washing could be allowing bacteria to live on his junk, causing my infections. Is that possible? Do I need to have a talk with him about washing more frequently/thoroughly?

Hurts To Pee

The simple answer is yes, HTP. Its great to have an eco-conscious lifestyle, but not at the expense of your urinary tract. If he cares about you as much as he does about the environment, then with a quick chat hell probably focus a little more on his personal hygiene. Especially if you explain to him that the overuse of antibiotics contributes to creating antibiotic-resistant bacteria, which can cause issues for the entire planet.

Follow Dan Savage, assistant director of digital content for, on Twitter @Dan_Savage.

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with twin queer heartthrob pop stars Tegan and Sara:

@fakedansavage on Twitter

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