Sorry self-esteem

More bumps in my year-long journey without men

All right. I think it’s beginning to sink in. I have very low self-esteem. I’m not sure why, but I do. I don’t know when it started – it wasn’t always this unrelenting.

I usually blame my most recent ex-boyfriend, but I think it started before him. I’m starting to remember him telling me I had low self-esteem. I never believed him when he told me.

The reason it’s been weighing on my spirit lately, is because my non-romantic boyfriend/crush told me I have low self-esteem. Yesterday, my girlfriend told me I have a low self-esteem. Actually a lot of my friends have told me I have low-self-esteem. So I’m starting to think I might have low self-esteem.

I’m not sure where it came from. I feel like there must have been a time when I was sure of myself on many levels. I feel like there must have been a time when I was sure about myself with men.

I’m not always so bad when it comes to my work. In fact, I usually feel at my peak of confidence when I’m on stage, or on set (or on stage, acting for that matter – though it’s been years since I’ve done a play. Sad-face).

If I’ve showered, brushed me hair, put on a clean shirt – I usually feel pretty dauntless doing my every day activities. Not at the gym, (when I manage to get my lazy ass there) mind you. At the gym I constantly feel like a jerk. Over the years I’ve gone to yoga, Pilates, spin, boxing, karate, swimming, running, etc… and no matter what I do, I feel like I look like a hen with her head cut off, with cellulite on her thighs and a very sweaty guillotined head. At this point, I just suck it up and go… knowing that I’m rarely alone in my jackass-awareness. We’re not all natural born athletes.

I realize I’m hard on myself. A lot of it’s a joke. People have said it’s damaging even in jest, but I also feel like it’s what makes me who I am. I know what I’m good at, and I know where my weaknesses lie. I hate letting myself off the hook. I know I shouldn’t crucify myself over every little flaw, and simply try to improve on what makes me unhappy about myself.

Yet my self-deprecation in regards to my relationships with men seems to have hit a new low in recent years. It’s got to be the reason why I’ve settled for men who don’t give me what I need – whether it be sexually, or emotionally. I’ve been afraid to speak my mind, to tell men what I want. I’m so afraid they’ll leave me.

My friends have been urging me for years to see myself as a catch, trying to remind me that I have a lot to offer. The disturbing thing is, that I know they’re right. Deep down inside, I know I’m a good girlfriend, a good woman. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for me to believe. I can’t imagine a man making any sort of grand gesture for my love, let alone even think of me when I’m not with him.

One of the many problems with this negative mentality is that it begets itself on so many levels. It must be so boring for a man to know that I never feel worthy of him. It must be frustrating to try to convince me. Then they do get fed up, and take off. Who can blame them? That was one of the main problems with my most recent ex, who I call Video Store Guy.

My current crush says that I focus on the negative. I don’t know why it resonated so much when he told me (over everyone else), but it has. It’s making me feel terrible. He didn’t say it to be a douche, he said it because it’s true.

It’s so cliché, so obvious… until I can believe it myself – that I’m good enough – (in fact more than good enough) for someone else to love me, any romantic relationship will be doomed. Especially because the last thing I want is for someone else to save me, or to fix me. It’s sort of a paradox, or a contradiction. I want to have faith in myself without my self-assurance depending on if I have a man in my life or not, and yet I can never seem to believe in me without a man’s love or praise. It’s pathetic, really. Although not uncommon, unfortunately.

It’s interesting to me, because I think my friends are the best people on earth, and I never doubt their love for me – so why can’t I believe that a man that I’m romantically entangled with might even like me?

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