JENNINE PROFETAJENNINE PROFETA
Imagine the orphaned love child of Ethel Merman and Mrs. Partridge, raised by SCTV's Edith Prickley. Now you have some idea of the weirdness of Velma Hussey. The obnoxious, never-was Broadway babe is the hilarious creation of Jennine Profeta, a former member of the Second City National Touring company. Profeta's bringing the curvaceous feather-boa-wearing Hussey -- who never met a pun she couldn't chew to pieces -- to the Tim Sims in Revue! The Velma Hussey Experience. See listings, page 91, for details.
How old is your alter ego Velma Hussey? Forty-five -- in Cher years.
What would Velma's NOW personal ad say? "Mature, bootylicious SWF sks SM theatre lover for private scene study -- will do her Vagina Monologue if you show your Puppetry Of The Penis."
Who will be a better mom -- Celine or Shania? Whoever can afford the better nanny.
If they named a cocktail after you, what would be in it? It'd be the J9, and to pay tribute to my German and Italian roots, it would be one part Jägermeister and nine parts Sambuca.
When are you going to fly Air Transat next? When they add the much safer, more modern Flintstone model to their fleet.
What secrets will be revealed on The Facts Of Life TV reunion? (1) Mrs. Garrett was really a madam; (2) the real reason why Kim Field's character was named Tootie; and (3) most of the girls from the first season were eaten by Natalie.
Why did McDonald's get rid of their McPizzas? In blind taste tests, no one could distinguish between the pizzas and the cardboard boxes they came in.
Stupidest summer cafe drink? The castor oil iced latte -- good for you, but not quite so delicious.
Are comedy clubs a good place to meet single men and women? I wouldn't know. I've only been hit on by the married ones.