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8 12 Seeks

Dear Sasha,

I’m a 32-year-old male and I’ve had my share of female sex partners. I have yet to find a woman who can deep-throat my 812 inch penis. I’ve had something of an obsession/fetish with seeing women deep-throating in porno movies since my youth.

So I dialed a few escort numbers from the back of the paper to see what I could find and was turned down by a few who admitted that they can’t deep-throat past 6 or 7 inches, but they were nice to me at least!

What shocked me was the reaction I got from some other escorts who felt insulted and said they deserved more respect for their services and that they were not just a piece of meat. I’ve even tried online escorts and got the same reaction, except for two women who were honest and nice, admitting that they can’t perform the task.

I respect all escorts for what they do for a living, but can’t I get the same respect for being a paying customer who’s looking for a specific service?

How do I go about asking for what I’m looking for without offending some escorts if their ads don’t mention what services they provide? I know I sound very forward when asking, but I’m polite at least in asking for what I’m looking for. It would be a lot easier if the escorts would specify the services they provide. I just want to experience for myself what it feels like.

Any advice on how to approach the subject with an escort without causing offence? Why are they so offended when all they have to say is no so I can move on to the next one?

Deep Trouble

I’m sorry that some escorts have been terse with you. Talking about specific skill sets on the phone puts them in danger of breaking the communication law, so perhaps this is why you are getting some tart and huffy replies.

“More respect for her services” might be her way of saying, “I’m sorry, I will not discuss this with you because you may be a cop,” or alternately, “I’m not available to get you turned on over the phone for free.” Wankers are an unfortunate inconvenience for sex workers who have a publicly advertised telephone number.

Even corresponding by email can be a hassle. Many potential clients spend weeks divulging, and expecting responses to, elaborate fantasies they never follow through on. They simply want someone they can talk to about the esoteric minutiae of their unspoken desires. You can imagine how sex workers grow weary of being a captive audience to these uncompensated musings. Perhaps you know now why so many cash in on their exploits with blogs, books and, ahem, sex columns.

I suggest getting a membership at the Toronto Escort Review Board and chatting with sex workers in this forum. Many go on the message boards to drum up interest. You can also speak to pundits in this forum, who are always happy to strut out the intimate details of their exchanges.

Reviews of escorts are also available through this site. It’s all a little gross and dorky and proprietorial, but it will give you a clearer idea of women’s services and skills.

Dear Sasha,

I have a date with someone who has been married and off the market for 20 years. What this means is that he has managed to avoid many of the STIs that have run amuck through the singles world, one of which I man-aged to contract in my 30s – a parting gift from a wonderful lying, cheating piece of shit: good ol’ HPV. I’ve had a few recurrences that I’ve dealt with swiftly, but how and when to bring this up?

Wart Should I Do?

Consider a forthcoming and openhearted letter:

Dear Prospective Date,

While you were married since the year Nirvana released Nevermind, an STI (yes, that is what we started calling STDs while you were married for two decades – it stands for Sexually Transmitted Infection apparently that makes them seem less intimidating) ran rampant through almost every sexually active community in the universe. I imagine you have seen advertisements for vaccinations against certain forms of it. It is called HPV, which stands for Human Papilloma Virus.

Pretty, right? It’s like you have butterflies in your genitals. Butterflies that aren’t as bad as the butterflies in that Fringe episode, but butterflies that, if contracted, still require some care and treatment. I was lucky enough to date a wonderful man who cheated on me, and as a reward for his stellar behaviour I contracted HPV. I have had it for blank years and have had blank recurrences. I am well versed in how to prevent transmission and would be happy to share these tips with you.

Here is my current status:

Here is how to have sex with me to avoid transmission:

Here is how to gracefully bow out of this private adventure if you are anxious:

I like to be honest about this. It can be difficult, but I feel it is the courteous thing to do. I appreciate your compassion and respect in the matter.

Sincerely,

How does that sound? Oh, and how does this sound for a potentially awesome date, should you get past the STI discussion.

As well, don’t assume that your gent wasn’t exposed to HPV prior to his marriage. The late 80s were a heady time for the virus as well. That’s when all my friends and I got it anyway.

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