Dear Sasha,
I have a problem that’s been ruining my sex life. When I was a young boy, I would rub my genitals on various pieces of furniture and it felt great.
Eventually I graduated to dry-humping my mattress. This has been my way of masturbating ever since. I have a really tight foreskin and my head is very sensitive, so dry-humping my bed face-down is how I jerk off.
I’ve had a few sex encounters and realized it’s difficult for me to get an erection when I’m not face-down and impossible for me to come. I have to be face-down or on my side. When a girl is in the cowgirl position it is impossible for me to ejaculate. This coupled with my tight foreskin and sensitive head makes me the world’s worst lover.
Is there anything I can do? Am I the only person in the world with this problem? And is my masturbation technique the cause of my over-sensitive head and foreskin being so hard to retract? Anything I can do to desensitize my head? I hope you can help me out.
The Downer
A couple of weeks ago I answered a letter from a fellow who, like you, has a constrictive foreskin. I mentioned that usually a boy’s mom will loosen it up during diaper time. I was wrong and I apologize for my error.
The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests cleaning only what you can see and leaving the rest alone.
According to Mothers Against Circumcision, boys should be taught at around age five or six to retract and clean their own foreskins “once a week and rinse with warm water. Sometimes the separation process takes longer and a boy may not be able to fully retract his foreskin until he is 10 or more. This is normal and not cause for alarm. Once the foreskin is retractable the instructions for cleaning are simple. Gently pull the foreskin back. Rinse with warm water only. Soap under the foreskin can cause irritation and swelling. Pull the foreskin back in place over the head of your penis.”
It is unlikely that your masturbation technique is responsible for your tight foreskin. It’s likely the other way around: your tight foreskin informed your technique. An urologist might be able to suggest ways to achieve more comfort.
Regarding your limited range of positions, I suggest that when you have sex, open up about the fact that you developed a masturbation technique that makes certain positions tricky for maintaining erections and ejaculating. Discuss that your foreskin is a little tight-fitting and requires special consideration. Perhaps you can take time to experiment with different positions without ejaculation as a goal.
It is not unusual to develop unique masturbation practises that inform your ability to orgasm. Expanding your technique does take effort but it can be done. Please don’t assume that you can’t speak to someone about this or be open with sex partners about your limitations. It’s the silence that’s the real downer, honey. Think about it: if you figured out that humping a sofa gets you off, surely you have enough imagination and patience to find ways to get off with human being.
Dear Sasha,
I’m a 33-year-old woman who has always identified as heterosexual and has only been with men. However over the past few years I’ve started to consider the possibility that my sexuality is more fluid than that. I’ve met women who I’ve been attracted to and wondered what it would be like to be intimate with them. How would I go about initiating such an encounter? I have friends who are lesbians but I’m a private person and uncomfortable with eliciting their help. Any suggestions?
Bi Mary, Not Binary
Dear Bi,
When I speak to queer teens about sex, one thing that always comes up is bisexuality. It is galling to find out that bisexuality is still considered fence-sitting, that bisexuals still feel the need to defend their orientation, and that other queers still have few qualms about ridiculing this orientation. Young bisexuals ask me how to deal with this contempt. You know what I say? “Tell them to fuck off.”
Fluidity is wonderful. I love that people are feeling free to express their orientation this way though it does create an atmosphere of unreality that tends to burden bisexuals most. The fact is, bisexual life is beset with tourists “experimenting,” to the point where if you are genuinely bisexual, it’s like being a year-round inhabitant of a tourist town. I’m inclined to tell you to keep this nascent interest on the DL, if only to prevent receiving a peppering of scorn that may be disheartening. You may not be quite ready to tell people to fuck off before you’ve even had your first girl-on-girl kiss.
There are many dating websites where you can be upfront about your “curious” status. Stick to the ones open to all orientations and look for women with a similar mindset to yours. That way, you can both be curious together.
COMMUNITY NOTES
Thank you to everyone who participated in Stonewall TO this year. Special thanks to the marshals, medics, legal support, sign-makers, performers, truck drivers, postering brigade, route planners, kid truck-decorating crew, sound crew, Queer Ontario community kitchen and Back to our Roots.
We still have buttons for $2. Get in touch with me here if you want one. A few people will be selling them throughout Pride weekend and I’ll have a handful at the Switch party at Oasis on Sunday (July 3). Free Stonewall TO posters can be picked up at Wonderworks or Good for Her on Harbord.
Want to do some more community activisting? The Proud Of Toronto campaign is organizing flash mobs over Pride weekend to raise awareness about the very real threat of cuts to LGBTQ & HIV/AIDS services. The Stop Ford’s Cuts actions are inspired by Parliamentary page Brigette DePape’s Stop Harper protest. Proud Of Toronto needs volunteers to hold up STOP FORD’S CUTS stop signs during the festival at various times and locations. Email info@proudoftoronto.com.
