Last week, when it was reported that first dozens, then hundreds of people had fallen ill at the merciless, cheese and glaze covered hands of the godless, nature-defying cronut burger, nobody was really sure what the problem was.
Was it the meat not being stored or prepared correctly? Was it the infringement of New York’s Dominique Ansel Bakery’s Cronut™? Was it the revenge against the decadent West, who will literally eat anything, including hamburgers inside of pastries inside of other pastries, including fries with seafood chowder on top?
No. It was the maple bacon jam.
This morning, a Toronto Public Health release revealed that the needlessly crapulent topping adorning Epic Burgers and Waffles needlessly crapulent pastry-burger was contamainated by Staphylococcus aureus toxin, a “recognized cause of food borne illness.” According to a TPH Fact Sheet re: Staphylococcus aureus Food Poisoning, common symptoms of the bacteria include “nausea, vomiting and abdominal cramping” as well as, in more severe cases, “headache, muscle cramping, and changes in blood pressure and pulse rate.”
The release states that Toronto Public Health “will ensure that there will be no distribution of food products including the bacon jam from that establishment pending further investigation.”
TPH also noted that it has received 223 reports from CNE visitors who experiences gastrointestinal symptoms. According to TPH spokesperson Jennifer Veenboer, of the 150 people Toronto Public Health interviewed, “79 had symptoms specific to Staphylococcus aureus toxin, all of whom had eaten the cronut burger.”
In a statement released today on their Facebook page, Epic Burgers and Waffles passed the buck to the supplier of the maple bacon jam and noted that they will no longer be doing business with that supplier, whose job is taking maple syrup and bacon and distilling it into a jellyish paste. They also thanked TPH “for their hard work in verifying that our products are safe and our remaining suppliers are of the highest quality.”
“#BeEpic [sic],” the note finished. “Let’s go to the Ex!”
Sure.
So, there you have it. Maple bacon jam made hundreds of Canadians sick. This will do wonders towards confirming all the broad stereotypes the rest of the world harbours towards Canada. Maybe in a few years the cronut burger – and just the words “cronut burger” – will all feel like a bad dream. A bad, pukey, bloody diarrhea dream.
Be Epic, everyone.
