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What do I do if my roommates aren’t socially distancing?

Q: I live in an apartment with a roommate who is still going out with her friends and not socially distancing. I don’t want to tell her what to do, but this is directly affecting me as someone who shares space with her. Is there anything I can do? 


“Am I overreacting?”

That thought went through Charlotte’s* mind as she packed up her stuff to go stay with her mother. Her roommate had been video chatting with a guy she met on Tinder and decided to go stay with him for a few days, defying the pleas of the government to stay home. 

“Maybe this is just a bad roommate situation,” thought Miguel* as he retreated to his bedroom after hearing a noise in the living room. He’d been woken up in the middle of the night by his roommate talking loudly about whether COVID-19 was actually some sort of government conspiracy. 

“How can you argue with somebody like that?” he asks. “But at the same time, I’m scared out of my ass.”

They share a problem that many cohabitees are dealing with right now: What do I do if my roommate isn’t socially distancing?

Bronwyn Singleton is a Toronto-based psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and whose client base is largely made up of people in their 20s and 30s. She says she’s been hearing about scenarios just like these, especially over the last couple of weeks as the response to the pandemic has intensified. 

Living with roommates is already a unique interpersonal relationship with its own spoken and unspoken set of codes and dynamics, many of which are intensified when one person’s actions could directly affect the other’s health and well-being. 

But she says the approach to dealing with conflict should be the same as it would be outside the pandemic.

“I would recommend opening a dialogue,” she says. “Try to sit down and really have a conversation about this. And try to remain open. Try not engage from a point of defensiveness or blame, but try to understand what’s motivating this person’s unwillingness, wherever it’s coming from.”

If you’re used to avoiding hard conversations, now is the time to push through that. There’s an urgency to the time we’re in.

“Conflict has a bad reputation, but conflict can be really healthy,” Singleton says. “And this is no time to be conflict-averse.” 

That can be a tough thing to accept, especially when physical distance from most people means extreme closeness to the people you live with. And the fact that it’s often a financial as well as social arrangement just adds to the potential tension. 

“What can I really do?” asks Charlotte. “We both pay rent.”

When I put out a call on Twitter, I heard from a person who lives with her mother on the top floor of a sort-of rooming house with a shared kitchen and laundry, another who works at a grocery store and wants a feeling of safety when he gets home, yet another whose landlord is a family member who got laid off and wants to come stay with them. Many of them displayed a reluctance to rock the boat with their roommates or their landlords (and thus a reluctance to use their real names). 

For some, the hesitation is related to personal responsibility. How can I criticize them when I’m not always the best roommate? Am I doing everything I can myself? Are my expectations unreasonable? 

That lack of certainty exists in most arguments like this, but lack of certainty is one of the hallmarks of the current condition. It feels like the rules are changing every day, every hour, and the exact details of what physical distancing really entails can sometimes feel fuzzy. How do I do laundry? How often do I buy groceries? If I go out for a walk, should I wear a mask? 

“It can feel really helpless and disempowering to be stuck in this situation,” Singleton says. “So the big problem for a lot of people seeing their roommates violating these codes is what can you do take back your power? What kind of agency do you have here?”

She suggests coming in armed with some data while also being open to shifting your entrenched position. Try to come up with a shared plan or set of ground rules that satisfies all parties as much as possible. 

In the end, though, you can only control your own actions. That means practising “energetic hygiene” – doubling down on routine, finding creative or social outlets and finding ways to get out the anxiety and grief of the situation.

There’s also the duty to follow public health agencies’ advisories: wipe down and disinfect all shared surfaces regularly (light switches, counters, bathroom taps), do the dishes a lot and spend as much time in your own space as you possibly can. One person I talked to even put a microwave and toaster in their bedroom to avoid the kitchen. 

And if that still doesn’t work for you?

“If you can, think about an exit strategy,” Singleton says. “Do you have someplace else to go? Could you move in with a partner temporarily? Should you move in with a different friend who’s more like-minded?” 

And, as much as it might seem unattractive to someone in their 20s or 30s, there might also be the option to go back and live with your parents. Unless, like so many boomers, they’re reluctant to socially distance, too.

*Names have been changed.


Resident Expert is a column about renting, buying and owning in the city. Send your queries to realestate (at) nowtoronto.com. NOW writers will talk to relevant experts to get the answers. Letter writers will remain anonymous. Read previous columns here.

This column is not legal advice. You should not act or rely on the information provided. To ensure your interests are protected, retain or formally seek advice from a lawyer.

@trapunski

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