Dear Sasha,
I’ve been working with a sex therapist to address a problem I’m having, and unfortunately we’ve hit a wall, as I don’t have a girlfriend or wife. Do you know if there are any sex surrogates working in Toronto? He does not know of any, and suggested asking you.
Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.
Inexperienced
Dear Inexperienced,
Sex surrogacy has been in the news lately due to the film released last year called The Sessions. I haven’t seen it yet, but the trailer looks cute. Isn’t it always so cute, actually more like heartwarming, really, when someone with a chronic physical disability finally gets laid? And even more so when they’re given the blessing of a scruffy and bemused clergyman, someone who ordinarily wouldn’t condone premarital adventures? I love when we can all learn a lesson about sexuality, disability and religious tolerance in under two hours.
I understand that The Sessions is based on a true story, but it says a lot that the first Hollywood film to introduce the idea of sex surrogacy to the mainstream does so using the International Client Sanctioned to See Sex Workers and Surrogates Because He’s Deemed Unfuckable.
The CBC recently aired Scarlet Road, a documentary about Rachel Wotton, an Australian sex worker “impassioned about freedom of sexual expression” who “specializes in a long-overlooked clientele – people with disabilities. Working in New South Wales, where prostitution is legal, Rachel’s philosophy is that human touch and sexual intimacy can be the most therapeutic aspects to our existence. Indeed, she is making a dramatic impact on the lives of her customers, many of whom are confined to wheelchairs or cannot speak or move unaided.”
Given the CBC’s history of bias toward victim-narrative reporting (just go to the website and look for some of the shows on the topic, especially those that deal with clients), this again says that sex work and surrogacy are only acceptable if the person accessing the service is perceived as wretched by the dominant culture. A veritable intersection of offensiveness, really, despite the fact that Wotton is an amazing worker and activist.
And, yes, I know I’m going off the rails about sex work again, and don’t worry – the very minute it’s decriminalized in Canada I will shut up for good. In fact, let’s make a deal: I’ll quit my column when sex work is adequately decriminalized. There, it’s done. I’ve been looking for a proper quitting date. I’ve been writing this goddamn thing longer than I lived at home, for crying out loud.
Now, Inexperienced, let’s get back to your concern. No, there are no authorized sex surrogates in Toronto in the same way there are in the States.
Therapist Jodee McCaw weighs in: “I don’t think it’s going to come from therapists’ recognition that there’s an important need and then working to solve that. My take is that one day a group of savvy sex workers (some of whom have studied psych, counselling or social work and may be doing that kind of work) will reach some kind of critical mass where they realize that a lot of what they do actually is sex surrogacy and if they organize and formalize it it would be helpful for everyone involved, workers and clients. The floodgates will open. I think a lot of people would benefit there’s a huge unmet need.”
The way it works in the States is that you, your therapist and your sur-rogate work as a triad. Your therapist informs your surrogate about the issues you face, and you all work to make this better together. In Canada, therapists don’t have the same access to surrogates. If they did research and choose an appropriate sex worker on your behalf and communicate with him or her, they might be charged with pimping, and no doubt they would also raise a few eyebrows in their professional community.
But since sex work does remain legal under certain parameters in Canada (if a worker visits you at home and you select her directly), my suggestion is that you look for a sex worker who seems to offer services that speak to your needs. Ask your therapist what kind of treatments are required of a surrogate, and bring them to a sex worker.
There are many sex workers who would to some extent qualify as adequate surrogates. Many have taken massage and bodywork courses and also have post-secondary degrees in psychology, social justice and social work. They may not have all the legitimate qualifications of someone like, say, Vena Blanchard, but they are experienced at overcoming sexual dissatisfaction and often have extended professional relationships with clients.
If this sex worker would be willing to work with you this way, part of your session could involve going through any exercises your therapist prescribes.
My only real concern about this relationship is that surrogates receive some training in “detaching” from clients, and a sex worker might not be so invested in walking you through the end.
McCaw comments: “One of the things that helps is both people having a clear idea of what’s going on and the limits of what can be accomplished. Then it’s possible to celebrate what is more than grieving over what is not. Frame-works, language, knowing what works and what doesn’t and what other workers do all help tremendously, too.”
You might find the language used by people in open relationships helpful when it comes to nontraditional exchanges. Have a look at Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up.
Community Notes
Okay, so obviously, like me, you’re all completely embroiled in the big gay murder mystery series that debuted on TTC platform monitors earlier this week.
As creator John Greyson says, “It started with the puns on trans and transit and went from there. The story line pursues two tracks: bike deaths and trans deaths in North America, including trans/queer people being killed by SUVs – Erica Keels, Chris Skinner, Darcy Sheppard. It’s a narrative thinking about commuting, how our private lives mingle with each other in public spaces like subway platforms and what we share when we’re there.”
In fact, the project is rife with politically charged double entendres (even the title, Murder In Passing)speaking to the double lives so many queers are forced into in order to avoid confrontation and violence in these public spaces.
Sharon Switzer, who runs the Art4commuters program (the art on the TTC screens), came up with the idea of a murder mystery. “And then I ran with it,” says Greyson. “I wrote the roles for various friends, colleagues and comrades.”
Greyson says money for the project took a while: “Canada Council and SSHRC for the scholarly side (studying viewer response). The TTC was very jumpy about it but ultimately quite supportive. Sharon was the real hero, being our sounding board/liaison.”
If you don’t use transit, you can keep abreast of past and current episodes on the website.
