Advertisement

Lifestyle

Balls of confusion

Dear Sasha,

Do women know what they want, or are they confused?

Last weekend I was on a date. We had hung out already a couple of times. We ended up at her place. Nothing much happened, just the regular “interview.” But when it got late and it was time to go to bed, she offered the couch or to share her bed. Hoping for some tenderness and taking the second choice in her offer as an invitation, I chose to share her bed.

I initiated the cuddle phase. At that time I already felt her being restrained. But she got comfortable. I knew then that sex was out of the question. At the same time, I didn’t understand the situation. I started kissing her. We kissed on the mouth, but she wasn’t fully into it. Eventually, I wasn’t either, because kissing constipation makes me constipated.

So why did she bother offering her bed?

Most guys would probably reply to that story: “Well you shoulda just fucked her anyway. Don’t bother understanding her. Just fuck!”

This is the problem. Knowing that all male strangers are potential rapists or sexual predators in female eyes makes this “just fuck her anyway” attitude rather disturbing! At the same time, I know that being careful and respectful toward women can be confusing to them.

They might read it as “He’s very nice but probably not into me.” So what is it, then? Macho? Or Nice Guy?

So to conclude with the story: why is it that most women still don’t take the lead when it gets sexual for the first time? I think it’s kind of natural. I can knock, call, sing and play on the harp for her. But I can’t and shouldn’t enter if she doesn’t open the door her-self.

Is the fear among women of being labelled “sluts” still that strong? What happened to the liberation and confidence of female sexuality?

Thanks for your time! I’d be curious to read your comment if you have one.

Confused Blue Balls

I would say that generally speaking, a lot of us are confused about the making of love. You included, Balls, and it’s no fucking wonder. From what I understand, the male relationship advice circuit is lousy with greasy pickup artists who promote the idea that what you really want to do is dupe a woman into fucking you rather than have a frank, consensual exchange.

PUA’s (pick-up artists) play off the concept of women as vaginal gatekeepers. This imagined power imbalance entitles them and their apprentices to act out of resentment, in turn maintaining a culture of scheming that completely invalidates the possibility of a balanced, reasonable exchange. (“Well, you shoulda just fucked her anyway. Don’t bother understanding her. Just fuck!”)

Women have long been forced to play gatekeepers to their vaginas for extensive reasons, all of which lead to more confusion and in so many cases a lot of pain. You have a vagina. People want to touch it. If you let people touch your vagina, you are a slut. If you don’t let people touch your vagina, you are a slut. If people touch your vagina when you don’t want them to touch it, you are a slut.

Yes, Balls, the fear of being labelled a slut (really, being labelled any word that thwarts compassion so bluntly) is still strong. But equally worrisome is the idea that liberation and confidence automatically bless a person with the ability to articulate her desires, experiences and how these things relate to long-standing cultural, religious and health stigmas.

Also, just because some women are finally, after scrabbling and struggling for eons, reclaiming their sexual dignity and freedom, doesn’t mean the first thing on the Thank Goddess Almighty, I’m Free at Last list is you getting your dick sucked.

I realize this flies in the face of a lot of advice given to you as a lusty bachelor, but how do you feel about asking a woman directly what she wants? And maybe telling her directly what you want? Here’s a sample script:

Girl: “So, would you like the sofa or do you want to sleep in the bed with me?” You: “I’d love to make out a little and see where that goes, but if you’re feeling unsure about it I’m cool to take the sofa or go home. I know we’re just getting to know each other, and that space between getting to know a person and touching their body can be a bit awkward and strange.”

That’s you being a human being, treating her like a human being and not the border patrol of the only thing on her body that holds any interest for you.

Now, depending on what the girl says, you can share the bed, take the sofa or go home. This gives you options. Options tend to calm people down. If you do end up sharing the bed and you start getting affectionate and so on, you can still talk, remembering once again that there’s a woman attached to the vagina who also has a mouth and a brain. If talking to her feels like it’s little more than an “interview,” then you can stop wasting everyone’s time by going home and jacking off.

A Killer Heel

Dear Sasha,

I have really cute feet and love my high-heeled shoes. I am regularly stopped by strangers who just want to look at my feet or even touch them for a price. I understand the attraction and love the attention. Can you guide me on how I can create a site and profit from my god-given assets? I also have the right naughty attitude that goes with my size 5 feet.

My Toes Will Be Grateful

There are a couple of ways you can access foot fans for profit. If you’re open to personal encounters, do a Google search of dungeons in your area and see if you can set up an interview to show your tootsies to those in charge.

You might also research people who do web design and maintenance for adult sites. I would recommend getting in touch with my friend Seska, who’s been doing simple and easy-to-navigate web sites (including her own) for folks in the adult industry for many years at seskalee.com. If she’s unable to fulfill your particular requirements, she’ll be chockful of advice on who can.

Got a question? Email Sasha: sasha@nowtoronto.com

Advertisement

Exclusive content and events straight to your inbox

Subscribe to our Newsletter

This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

By signing up, I agree to receive emails from Now Toronto and to the Privacy Policy and Terms & Conditions.

Recently Posted