Talking finances on a first date? Is that a smart move, major red flag, or just a new reality of modern dating in expensive cities like Toronto?
In our latest edition of This Is Dating Now, we hit the streets to ask Torontonians: Is it weird to talk money on the first date? And does it matter who makes more in a relationship? We also tapped into expert insight from Vancouver Island-based financial coach Tanya Oliva, who says, yes, those conversations are awkward, but it’s also one of the most important conversations couples will eventually have.
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DOES MONEY ACTUALLY TALK?
For Toronto resident Savonnah P., opening up the conversation about money on the first link is crucial.
“It’s very important, like, as soon as possible for me,” she told Now Toronto. She shares that talking about money, however, is less about how much is actually made and more so about being transparent.
“I’m not trying to marry someone who’s like $200,000 in debt or something… I just feel ladies have to be realistic, that it is something we prioritize. And it’s not just about how much they make, it’s about how much you know they owe,” she added.
Toronto businesswoman Ari R. is just as direct.
“I think you can see the financials on the first date. I don’t know about talking about them, but if I get a vibe, then there won’t be a second date,” she said.
As someone who self-described herself as making “mad bread,” she’s often the higher income earner in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean that she should be the only one pulling out her wallet.
“I want him to pay first because patriarchy has to do something for our benefit,” she laughs.
Another resident, Rachel M., doesn’t expect deep financial talk right away, but believes your spending style says a lot.
“It’s good to keep an eye out to see if someone is spending responsibly. And you can pick that up on the first date, absolutely,” she said.
She also admits income dynamics can impact attraction.
“I’m a little traditional in this sense. I do like when a man makes more than me. I’ve also had the experience of dating someone who made significantly less than me, and they had some issues around masculinity,” she explained. “I like when a man can take care of his woman and his family.”
For Michael V., the money conversation isn’t necessarily a bad topic, depending on the context.
“If it’s a way to gauge if they’re a suitable partner, I think that’s a bit superficial. But if you’re in a time of your life where that’s really important to you, like, you’re trying to settle down with a family and buy property… I don’t think it’s that big of a deal.”
At one point, he worked in the restaurant industry while dating a high-earning tech professional, and says the income imbalance was real.
“It can be a bit annoying. Like, let’s say if your partner makes more than you, but you end up taking most of the costs… which is what happened in my last relationship. It was kind of a hard pill to swallow, knowing that my ex made a lot more than I did, but then I still had to pay for most of the dates and meals, trips and whatnot.”
Then there’s Brad K., who takes a more balanced approach. He says money can be a great talker, and assures whichever partner makes more doesn’t matter to him.
“I don’t think it’s important, but it’s pretty good to talk about,” he shared.
“Especially if it’s just like an open conversation, as long as it’s not the main topic or like the whole conversation during the date.”
And lastly, Tarandeep S. says that financials are quite important to chat about initially, especially if you’re in search of a life partner.
“Maybe because I’m at that age that I want to settle down, so financials could be one of the main reasons behind, like, settling down with another person.”
MONEY TALKS ARE BOTH SMART AND AWKWARD
Although money matters, financial coach and founder of Fin$mart Tanya Oliva says she wouldn’t necessarily make it a conversation starter.
“I wouldn’t suggest doing it on the first date, because obviously in a relationship, it’s more about that compatibility, the chemistry and the value system that’s going to really ground your relationship,” she explained to Now Toronto.
While money will ultimately play a pivotal role in a relationship’s success, she says, there’s a way to ease into that territory without pulling out a credit report.
“You can ask them about some of their accomplishments in life, which sometimes relate back to money, like, ‘I purchased my first condo,’ or ‘I put myself through school.’ You know that obviously takes resources,” she said.
Whether you’re a saver or big-spender, Oliva argues that understanding each other’s “money personality” is essential for long-term compatibility.
“The most easiest way to get on the same page is to have mutual financial goals and a plan to achieve those goals,” she said.
Oliva also warns that money isn’t just some boring topic to be avoided.
“One of the most consequential financial decisions you will make in your life is the person you choose to marry or become common-law with,” Oliva says. “Research shows upwards of 40 per cent of marriages end in divorce because of money.”
SO, SHOULD YOU BRING UP MONEY ON THE FIRST DATE?
There’s no universal answer. Some are cool with a little conversation starter, while some want the whole bank statement upfront. The takeaway, according to both daters and experts, is alignment.
Have an interesting dating story to share with Now Toronto? Email us at news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in our next edition of This Is Dating Now.
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