Breakups are almost always hard. Going from sharing every remarkable moment of your day with that one person to treating them like a stranger can be a challenge to many.
But even when romance is out of the picture, is it possible to keep them in your life as a friend instead? To answer this question, Now Toronto took to the streets to find out what people think.
From “not at all” to “the right answer is no,” most Torontonians we spoke with agree that it is almost always healthier to keep your distance after a romantic relationship comes to an end.
Although it can be challenging to let go of that important figure in your life, many say that it is important to end communication with an ex before you can process the situation and move on.
In fact, Toronto resident Felix Minsor says he makes sure to cut all his exes off immediately after they end things.
“I cut everyone off that I’ve been with because that way my head is free for the person I’m seeing and can completely focus on that person,” he told Now Toronto.
Minsor believes that absolutely nothing good can come from maintaining a friendship with his exes, saying that maintaining a genuine connection with them can actually make it harder to let go, and even add a barrier when finding a new partner.
“Out of respect for the next person that you’re going to see, it’s just better not to because it just makes jealousy maybe a topic for them and the whole situation harder,” he added.
In fact, M.A.Registered Psychotherapist Parisa Ghanbari, who runs the Toronto-based couples therapy practice Parisa Counselling, says that many people feel the need to hold on to that special person for many reasons, including social isolation from other friends and the difficulty to deal with the breakup. However, the expert highlights that cutting off that person might be just what you need to let go.
According to her, often when people insist on becoming friends with their exes, both parties are not aligned in their intentions with each other. While one of them might be free to let go, the other often feels like staying friends might be a path toward relighting the romance.
“I mean, it is possible, but I don’t think I’d recommend it. I mean, it is possible, if the two people are on the same page, they have the same understanding of the reasons they want to stay friends,” she said.
“I really would be doubtful of the intentions of why do you need to keep them as friends? And I would encourage people to really dig deep in, at least be honest with themselves in terms of why they’re keeping this friendship or time, unless it’s transactional, I wouldn’t recommend it.”
But while some might be adamant in following this expert’s advice and staying away from confusion, others have a harder time letting go.
Local Isroff says that although she knows it is better to keep her distance, it can be hard to do so, especially in a city like Toronto.
“The right answer is no, but I know I would [stay friends]. It’s hard to lose contact. And also, Toronto is so small and I run into my exes everywhere, so it’s kind of hard not to be [friends with them],” she said.
Meanwhile, resident Mendes Dixen claims he sees no problem with maintaining a friendly relationship saying, “of course, why not?”
Although Dixen says he wouldn’t be best friends with his exes, he regularly maintains a healthy friendship. The resident even says that his current girlfriend understands the friendships and is on board with them.
At the same time, Isoff says she thinks this kind of friendship would be a deal breaker for many.
“I don’t know a single man who would want to associate themselves with someone who’s still in contact with their ex. That’s just my experience,” she claimed.
On the other hand, Minsor says there is only one situation in which he believes it would be OK to stay in touch.
“Unless there is…one case where maybe you were friends for like 10 years, and then you dated the person, and then they became your ex, then I can see it,” he said.
Ghanbari agrees that although she doesn’t believe there’s often any positive aspects to staying friends with an ex, there are situations in which that could be required.
“There are financial ties, you bought a house together, or you share custody of a child, or you share custody of a dog. So, the relationship, or the friendship, is purely, truly not [even] a friendship, it’s more of a transactional relationship,” she added.
Whether you are the type to immediately let go with no strings attached or hold on as hard as you can, maybe it’s time to have a good conversation with your ex to see where you can go from now on.
“It’s important that if they want to be friends, to have clear boundaries and understanding of what this friendship means to them. And also, if they’re going to start dating or develop new relationships, how will that work in that context? So, it’s best to have conversations about that before deciding to do that with each other,” Ghanbari said.
Relationships are no simple thing, and their end can be even more complicated. But whether you choose to stay friends or not, make sure you are making the decision that is best for yourself.
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