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Come on, already

Dear Sasha,

I’m a 27-year-old guy who’s had several lovers and encountered the same problem with them all. When we make love with a condom, I’m unable to come even though in general I’m able to perform otherwise.

When I don’t wear a condom (which is only after I’ve been with a girl for a year or so, and only after we both get tested), I always think I’m about to come at any minute, but it turns out I’m just getting a good feeling. Not wanting to start a family at the moment, I usually stop in order to finish manually, only to realize I’m not there yet. By that time the mood has left the room.

It also seems to take an inordinate amount of time for me to finish during oral. More often than not, my lady companion will say she needs to take a break or stop.

To be clear, I’m not obsessed with getting to the finish line. Sex, like most things people enjoy, takes care and a deft touch to be enjoyed fully, in my opinion. I do, however, enjoy fulfilling my girlfriend, and I know she would like to do the same with me, were it not such an arduous task.

I would one day like to be a father, but having never come during intercourse, I’m concerned that it might not be possible for me. I wonder if I’ve ruined my chances by yanking it like a rabid monkey when I was 14, or if it’s just all in my head.

I plan to talk about this with my physician in the near future, but I’ve come to respect your opinion over the years and hope you’ll have some words of wisdom to impart.

Delayed Gratification

Dear Delayed

You have a sense of humour and you are self-aware. These two qualities will ensure that your sex life will be satisfying and filled with adventure pretty much forever.

Taking all this shit too seriously is where a lot of people get messed up. Imagining that obstacles cannot be overcome, heaping doom and damnation upon oneself…. Just stop that Negative Nancy talk right now, mister. If you were inspired enough to yank it like a rabid monkey when you were 14, you are clever enough to come up with new methods that suit your present needs and those of your lovers.

I have no doubt that when the time comes, you will load up your baby mama with jizz until her teeth are floating. Even if this proves difficult with your penis, I’m certain that you will provide arousing, heroic assistance in getting it up there with a turkey baster, some ambient lighting and whatever ironic romance music will be the rage when you’re ready to be a dad.

Meantime, let’s come up with some game plans to assist you in your quest to ejaculate more readily.

Many people find dirty talk extremely helpful as it distracts you from your pessimistic thoughts. How do you feel about asking your girlfriend to talk like a filthy tart while you’re doing it?

What do you think about porn? Would you be willing to put some on a laptop while you’re getting it on and load your brain with smut? Don’t be afraid to visit your local lefty sex shop or online store and look for books and products that pique your interest.

A vibrator on your perineum or nuts might be just the rush you need, and the buzz can be shared between you and your partner during intercourse.

Are you on any medications that might be obstructing ejaculation? There are various SSRIs that have this effect, so ask your doctor about this if you are on an antidepressant.

You should also read this and tell me what you think: sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2010/01/quieting-the-lizard-brain.html. I’m curious about this lizard brain theory and how it works to quiet our demons about sex, if sex is part of the lizard brain.

Readers, your thoughts please.

COMMUNITY NOTES

Oh, Toni Johnson. Will your naked shenanigans never cease? Johnson, one of the owners of the lavish swing club Oasis Aqualounge, has taken it upon herself to show up at places in her birthday suit, both as a spot on Naked News and as a way of promoting the club.

She has taken water taxis, ordered a hot dog from a street vendor, got on a streetcar and, on September 17, sashayed the red carpet at TIFF. Despite the festival trumpeting its sexual content this year, organizers were not pleased with Johnson’s stunt, and she was quickly ushered away.

“The TIFF people were mad that she was even allowed on the sidewalk and wanted the cop to arrest her,” says co-owner Judy. “He didn’t. The CEO of TIFF, an old white guy, was not amused. We think this is rather hypocritical since many of the movies show nudity and sexuality. So it’s only okay if they control it?”

Unauthorized nudity blows people away. Personally, I love that Johnson is a consummate hustler and uses her body to make a statement. Despite her entrepreneurial intention, she reminds me a little of the Sons of Freedom, a radical sect of the Doukhobors who, when the Canadian government took their children away and put them in residential schools, protested nude.

Or more appropriately, her antics evoke the code name of the government’s devious action against the Doukhobors: Operation Snatch.

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