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Ex obsessed

Dear Sasha,

I’m in my early 20s and have been in a relationship with an older man for about two years. Not long ago I learned that he’s friends with his ex-wife, who still has very strong feelings for him. They have a lot of friends in common, and every time she’s goes out with my boyfriend and his friends to a party, I’m not invited. And he’s always hiding the fact that he saw her.

A year after they broke up, my boyfriend and I first met, and we had a great connection. At first it was very hard for me to open up and let go of my feelings because it’s my first serious relationship, but he stayed with me anyway.

Now I feel more confident, but the knowledge of his current friendship with his ex makes me think I’m just a rebound. I just can’t stop thinking about her, to the point that I wonder whether he should be back with her. It’s becoming an obsession and really making my relationship with him very bitter.

I don’t know what to do. I need your true opinion and a good shakeup. I want to work things out for myself and my relationship, but I don’t know how.

Obsessed With The Ex Chick

Your boyfriend is an asshole for going to parties with his friends and ex-wife and not inviting you, at least occasionally. This would turn anyone into a shrew, Obsessed. Instead of feeling like you hold a cherished spot in this man’s life, you are busy trying to rationalize what is actually really shitty behaviour.

Your boyfriend has a responsibility to put your mind at ease when it comes to his ex-wife. One way of doing this is to make sure that you’re welcome and present when he’s socializing with her and his friends. Presently he’s creating a situation where you feel directly in conflict with his ex-wife and his social group.

Let me tell you how this usually goes: You spend a lot of time trying to be okay with being left out of stuff. In doing so, you manufacture a hostile attitude toward your boyfriend’s ex-wife and social group to protect yourself from feeling hurt and left out. The next thing you know you’re the bitch who doesn’t trust him or give him space.

Once that emotional tone has been established, why would he invite you along anywhere, right? You don’t like his ex-wife and his social group anyway. You can’t be trusted to be kind and gentle because you’re on high alert all the time. Once you’re on high alert, the only way to feel even remotely “normal” is to get hammered. And then there you are, the 20-something out of control drunk-ass girlfriend making an asshole of yourself. Lindsay Lohan, basically.

I’m here to tell you that this is unacceptable. If I could, I would march you the hell out of his house and save you however many years of mania that are ahead. You want to nip that shit in the bud. Because, girl, let me tell you, if you think it’s hard being “that girl” in your 20s, wait’ll you get to your 40s and you’re “that woman.”

That is some undignified shit.

Dear Sasha,

I went on the pill nearly a year ago. I tried Micronor first and completely lost my libido and had stunted hair growth, in short: disaster. My doctor switched me to Alesse since I seemed in need of estrogen.

Things have been going well for the past four months. I got my libido back and now have beard growth. But, lately one thing has been bothering me: my clitoris has become unresponsive. When I masturbate the blood simply won’t flow to it. What used to be a nice, quick morning wank is taking especially long now.

This has never been an issue before. As a matter of fact, I usually have a very responsive clit and can squirt for days on end. I don’t have any trouble getting wet, although it’s taken me a while before being able to do so without watching porn.

Basically, I’m freaking out. Everybody’s heard the saying “Use it or lose it.” So now, am I losing my clit?

I believe it may be the hormones and all – I’d love to get off the pill just to see – but what of the occasional sexual encounter? I don’t really trust other contraceptives besides the male condom and wouldn’t have the heart to tell an eventual serious boyfriend to wait a couple of months for me to get used to the pill again.

What is your take on this?

Sahara

Make an appointment with a gynecologist that lasts more than three minutes and have as good a talk as you can possibly have about birth control pills and what the potential side effects are. If the gynecologist states that one of the side effects of this particular pill is a loss of blood flow to your genitals, then you decide if this is something that you can live with. If it is, then I suggest you purchase yourself a more combative vibrator and start cranking away on it.

And finally, I would think about what it means to be willing to compromise my own pleasure in the present for the possibility of a boyfriend in the future. Then I would think about what it means to prepare myself to be an uncomplicated sexual vessel for a man, instead of acknowledging that my health and pleasure are priorities.

Now, I don’t know if you identify as LBGTetc, but I will tell you, I have had good experiences at Sherbourne Health when it comes to forthcoming opinions about meds and such.

Aside from the waiting room – which is basically a parade of everyone you’ve ever fucked or who’s ever fucked anyone you’ve ever fucked (my friend Zoe: “I want to wear a fedora, giant shades and a housecoat”) – it’s an excellent place to get straightforward and non-judgmental care.

Got a question for Sasha? Ask away. Sasha@nowtoronto.com.

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