Despite a growing number of dating apps like Bumble encouraging women to make the first move, it can still be hard for women to feel confident and proactive in their dating lives. Dating in North America is full of unspoken rules, like how to flirt, who should pay for the first date and how quickly you should follow up after you’ve gone out.
On a quest to live a more sex-positive life and gain confidence in navigating the complicated world of dating, I contacted sex expert and professional dominatrix Lady Pim as well as founder of the Ritual Chamber, Headmistress Shahrazad for tips in the art of confidence, relationships and sexuality.
Here’s what they had to say about dating and the rules around it.
Before we get into dating tips, how did you enter the world of BDSM?
Lady Pim: I started exploring being a top 10 years ago as it became a necessity for me. Due to some health complications, I wasn’t always available to bottom, so I started doing more topping because of that. I still wanted to play and practise kink on a regular basis, and it turned into this really fun thing.
Mistress Shahrazad: I grew up with a very religious upbringing and I didn’t see a lot of empowering roles for women within that. Kink was the first time I saw women in positions of power where they could be sexual and powerful at the same time, and that appealed to me.
What is dating like in the kink community?
LP: It’s all about consent, and I would love for that to be the norm. You talk to your partner as much as possible beforehand, throughout and after to make sure everyone is having a lovely experience.
HS: People who practise kink tend to be more self-aware because they’ve done a little more reflecting, not just on the person they are when they’re dating, but who they are in the shadows.
What advice do you have for someone who’s single and trying to date?
HS: Know what you want and what you don’t before you get into the dating pool. Be clear on those things, and don’t compromise them for the sake of being in a relationship. That way, you’ll be less likely to settle for something that’s not going to make you happy. If you’re dating someone you really like but you’re looking for a casual thing and they’re looking for someone to settle down with, it doesn’t matter how well you get along. It helps if everyone is on the same page.
LP: Communicate openly and early, and play as little of the dating game as possible. Let’s throw coy out the window and not wait until we’re emotionally invested to have this conversation.
HS: People will say three months in that you’re not the same person they started dating, but if you weren’t showing who you were in the first place, then whose fault is that? They were dating your mask.
Headmistress Shahrazad owns Toronto’s Ritual Chamber.
Open relationships and polyamory are growing in popularity. What should someone keep in mind when deciding whether or not to have an open relationship?
LP: Go so slow it feels like you’re going backwards. We all know the script for monogamy, but the exciting and terrifying thing about polyamory is that there isn’t a script. You’re really going to have to navigate it together, and it may be filled with trial and error. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of work, and most of it is talking about your feelings.
HS: Get really comfortable with setting boundaries.
LP: I love hearing a hard boundary from a partner, because then I know what to do.
How would you recommend approaching someone you have feelings for?
HS: There’s no time to waste. If you like somebody, tell them. If they’re not interested, great – on to the next person. You’re that much closer to the person who will say yes. Rejection from a person who isn’t a good fit for you is not a reflection of you.
Let’s say there is a connection, which leads to that first date. What’s the ideal first date?
LP: Doing an activity is always better than doing something passive. It reveals more about the other person, and it takes the focus off being on a date. Plus, if you don’t like the person, then maybe you’ll find a connection with the activity, like, “Hey, I know I don’t like that guy, but I do like bowling!”
It sounds like what’s missing from dating is confidence and communication.
HS: Life is too short to not go after what you want. I meet people in the Dungeon who are 60, 70 or 80, and they say, “I might be too old for this, but I’ve wanted to do this my whole life. I don’t want to die and regret not having this experience.” Don’t wait that long. Don’t waste your time on the things that don’t matter. You have one life. Find out what you want, and go get it.
