Dear Sasha,
A concern has slowly been creeping up on me. I’m not a big guy by any means (5-foot-6, 140 pounds), and I’ve been finding it harder and harder to deal with my height in regard to attracting women.
I’ve had two girlfriends break up with me because they preferred taller guys, and I’ve been on a couple of first dates where the same thing has been said.
I’m not knocking the girls. In fact, I praise them for being honest, because, let’s face it, you’re either physically attracted to the person or you’re not.
My confidence in myself with girls has been slowly chipped away because I physically can’t be the type to “manhandle” them as most I’ve been with have wanted to be. I’m relatively fit in that I play hockey, jog, bike, etc, but I can’t really bulk up.
I know I can’t really change any of this and I must learn to accept myself for who I am and what I can offer, and I do, but with every step forward I take, I always end up suffering another blow to my confidence that pushes me back a step or two.
I know I just have to get back on the horse and not let any of this faze me, but with girlfriends being few and far between, it’s getting harder to get back up on that horse. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
I’m not at the end of my rope with this or anything, just getting tired of it always affecting the outcome.
Luc in Winnipeg
Dear Luc,
Let me be clear in stating that I have nothing but respect and a sense of deep awe for the city of Winnipeg. According to Environment Canada, it is the coldest city in the world for populations over 600,000 and is also informally known as Canada’s mosquito and Slurpee capital. It is home to some insanely talented artists – Guy Maddin, Noam Gonick, the Lesbian Rangers and Sarah Anne Johnson, to name just a handful. Winnipeg is, however, a relatively small city – the population isn’t even close to 1 million. As many folks will tell you, sometimes you need to cast a wider net to find love.
There are also many women in the world significantly smaller than you. Would you consider a very petite woman as a lover, or are your own attractions limiting your options as well? Are you deliberately dating women who have a passion for taller men in order to prove some sort of Groucho Marx “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member” point?
I’d also like to gently remind you that in the grand scheme of things, yours is a very, very minor disadvantage. In fact, it’s probably the amount of privilege you do have that permits you to focus on this rather nugatory detail. I won’t bore you by proffering the many lists available online of successful short men (a large majority over whom you’d tower).
One underlying implication when records of this nature are compiled is that people who have perceived hindrances are always overcompensating, and any of the negative attributes they display (pushiness, being easily vexed or voluble) are then attributed to the fact that they must always fight to take space. Take these equations as an example:
Tall person who is loud = tall person who is loud.
Short person who is loud = short person who is loud because he or she is short.
Women who are fat will tell you that nearly everything they do is attributed to their weight, though you don’t even have to act like a bitch for a complete stranger to call you a fat bitch. It seems to be simply a given that your weight determines your personality and that it is every person’s right to comment unkindly on this fact.
While it may be true that people who are not blessed with qualities that are commonly considered desirable may have to work harder to get what they want, the implication is that what they want must always be determined by standards that exclude them. This can be pretty discouraging and also really fucking patronizing. You’re allowed to let setbacks faze you, Luc, but as you get back on your horse, try to do so with kind self-regard.
To be honest, I don’t think it’s that cool for women to go out on dates with you and be forthcoming that they prefer taller men, especially if they knew that they were picky about this sort of thing to begin with. I’m not suggesting you should tie yourself in a huge knot about this, but I want you to know I think this is pretty shitty. I’ve been there, dude. It smarts.
Dear Sasha,
I just wanted to contribute my 2 cents to the contraceptive sponge issue. The sponge gave me BV (Bacterial Vaginosis). I think the amount of spermicide was too much for my vaginal flora to handle and it got all out of whack. I used it briefly when I was in a relationship, but now that I am a single lady, it’s all condoms all the time.
Yesterday Sponge
There does seem to be a hell of a lot of nonoxynol-9 in the Today Sponge – 1000 mgs to be precise. I read a couple of scientific studies about N-9 and bacterial vaginosis, and it seems like women who used what they considered high doses of N-9 regularly were more prone to BV-like symptoms. Check this one out here.
I found this study pretty fascinating, and it’s a good one to read if you’re interested in how products like these are tested and the inherent problems involved in collecting any data around sex (one being that you have to believe your participants are being honest with you, and by extension with their partners. All of these women were allegedly monogamous for these trials. There were around 300 of them over a period of seven months.)
You probably remember a bunch of years back when N-9 was being touted as a microbicide against HIV. After many tests were done (by what may be considered somewhat unethical means), it was concluded that N-9 may actually enhance HIV contraction rather than deter it. N-9’s abrasive action causes lesions and ulcerations to genital mucosa, permitting entry for the virus.
Got a question for Sasha? Email Sasha@nowtoronto.com.
