Dear Sasha,
I am hopeful that you will respond to me, you being one of the world’s great proponents of polyamory.
I’ve been with my current girlfriend for nearly five years. She is amazing, and we are very much in love. The sex is really good, too we are willing to do whatever and have an open dialogue and are constantly working on ways to make it better.
However, sex with her is not the best I’ve ever had. I’ve had partners (two in particular) with whom I was naturally more in sync it was with those women that I had mind-blowing sex. Those two encounters were more than one-night stands – the lasted several months. I had them during periods when I was technically broken up with my girlfriend and out of the country. I have never cheated on my girlfriend I don’t think it’s fair for me to do that to her.
Here’s the issue: I keep in contact with those two girls. I remain incredibly attracted to them and have a fondness for both of them, which, although it’s not love, is a strong feeling nonetheless. I’m also constantly looking at other women with intense desire – not in a nutcase way, just a breathless kind of “wouldn’t it be great?” way.
My girlfriend is crazy for me (no more, though, than I am for her) and, you can tell, only has eyes for me. In fact, I think she takes it really hard that I don’t only have eyes for her. She finds it distressing. So if I decide that I want to be a polyamorist, how do I broach the subject with my girlfriend?
Partners Aplenty
Dear Partners,
I am not one of the world’s greatest proponents of polyamory. I do believe, though, that given some very obvious facts, it’s something many of us should look into. I can assure you most of the time I actually believe that polyamory is insane and those who indulge in it, while clearly trying to embody admirable qualities, are out of their fucking minds. But this attitude extends to all relationship models, really. Getting involved with someone = crazy thing to do.
Polyamory strives to have one noteworthy quality across the board, however and with whomever you practise it, and that is honesty. So whether you are involved with two people on even terms and have a few lovers on the side, or you’re married to someone and have five other paramours, everyone is in the know. In other words, you don’t do things that benefit your naked areas and ego at the expense of other people’s feelings, and you certainly don’t use terms like “technically broken up” because polyamory, as so many of its proponents like to note, is not about self-serving euphemisms.
This openness is touted as the good thing about polyamory. But it is also the bad thing about polyamory. If you even so much as get close to one of these Gordian configurations, you will get dragged into it like an undertow. Just try having a casual thing with someone in a polyamorous relationship(s). Just try getting a hand job without having to hear all about the various arrangements this person has with each of their other lovers and the work they do in other aspects of their lives to facilitate open sexual dialogue. “I get it,” you will want to say, “You are an erotic renegade. Now will you wrap your rebel hand around my rigid dick?” No, they can’t, you see, because there needs to be an eight-day discussion with everyone else in the fuck tribe about it.
I am truly beginning to wonder, when it comes to relationships, if there is any such thing as honesty and not just varying degrees of misapprehension. We’re all just here flailing around trying to be good and bad at the same time, honest to ourselves and to our partners, riding that line between getting what we want and wanting what we get.
Poor us. Honestly, did we really need that thumb so badly?
Now, Partners, even if you have been buoyed by my inspirational words, you don’t strike me as a good candidate for this type of arrangement, not at the moment anyway.
Why? Well for one thing, you’re sneaky. It seems unlikely that your girlfriend knows of your technically broken-up trysts (TBUTs) or is aware that you maintain contact with these two women. If she were, I get the feeling you would be experiencing some serious technical difficulties.
Why is your girlfriend crazy for you? I’m going to take a guess at one source: your polymorphous appetite. Obviously this makes you unavailable to a certain extent, and there is nothing that women love more than a man dangling just out of reach.
You also use the word “I” when you discuss your desire for polyamory, which reveals a certain stinginess. The open bed and open mind policy should extend to all involved. This can suck.
There are some people who ostensibly do this shit with great success and have generously taken notes so that you can do it successfully as well. Look at Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up or Wendy-O Matik’s Redefining Our Relationships.
Got a question? Ask Sasha: sasha@nowtoronto.com
