Dear Sasha
I am a 40-year-old man married for seven years with two children, and I have sex with my wife every two or three weeks. I like sex so much and am used to making masterpatient [sic] every day. If I find a girl who wants to be a friend, I accept and have sex with her, but not complete sex, just kissing and touching, but we must be naked. My big problem is that I feel sometimes that I want someone to put his finger in my ass, like to see sex movies for shemales, am interested to see shemales and also sometimes like to buy a women’s panty and wear it and make a masterpatient.
What is all this I feel? Please help me and tell me what I can do.
Massismo
Dear Massismo,
You know, it’s funny. Every time I look at those lists of commonly misspelled words, “masturbation” and “masturbate” are never on them, and yet they are the most commonly misspelled words that I come across as a sex columnist. Many people who write me for advice spell them “masterbation” and “masterbait.” This is obviously based on a very reasonable leap in logic. After all, when jerking off, you are the master of the bait, are you not?
English is not your mother tongue, Massismo, yet you are doing an admirable job of employing it to delineate your interests. As such, I feel it appropriate to bestow upon you the Best Foreign Translation of the Word “Masturbation” for 2012.
“Masterpatient” also shows some inspired inductive reasoning: you are the master and the patient, administering relief and receiving it. “Patient” is an excellent homonym in this virtuosic portmanteau as well. Mastering patience while masturbating is a great way of achieving a less rushed connection in our solo and partnered sex.
Your prize? A stack of locally made transsexual porn hand-picked by me (by that I mean I shall go into my tranny porn collection and pull some titles given to me by Todd Klinck at 3 o’clock in the morning after we’d both taken a handful of Ritalin). You may come and pick it up at Club 120 (formerly known as Goodhandy’s, but all the relevant info is still here), where I will be working behind the bar on Tuesday night. You will be pleased to know that Tuesday at Club 120 is an evening devoted to T-girls and their admirers. Allow me to introduce you to my enchanting colleagues.
I can assure you, a finger in the ass is also not an uncommon delight. I lobbied Come as You Are to provide you with a small butt plug to do some self-exploration, and the shop was happy to oblige. On that note, worker-owner Jack says that his favourite common misspelling is “prostrate massage” as opposed to “prostate massage.”
As for your panty fetish, again, not unusual, but speaking from personal experience, I ask that you not to steal people’s intimate apparel to appease your fixation. It can be expensive to replace.
Community Notes:
Speaking of Come as You Are and erotic expenses, we’re all tightening our belts a little, but still, here come the holidays, as they always do year after year, world without end. This means many of us will be shopping for gifts, some of them along the sexy spectrum.
I received this email from Come as You Are last month:
“This month, Come as You Are has the distinct honour of speaking at the annual Canadian Worker Co-operative Federation conference in Ancaster, Ontario.
“While we’re thrilled just to be nominated, we’re also a little apprehensive about speaking to this year’s theme Surviving And Thriving as a worker-owned co-operative.
“Mostly, we just fear we’ll disappoint. Our speech will be awesome (no doubt), but as much as we’re often held up as a ‘success story’ in the co-op world, we’re still very much on the ‘survival’ end of the spectrum.
“For us, being a co-operative is a radical, anti-capitalist act that specifically excludes ‘thriving’ as a goal in any conventional sense of the word. In fact, we were founded as a co-operative to ensure that we would never be corrupted by the desire for profit or personal gain.
“Well, we’ve certainly managed that!
“In Toronto, we have seen so many politically and socially important small businesses close of late: This Ain’t the Rosedale Library, the Toronto Women’s Bookstore, Red Tent Sisters, MissBehavin’. These weren’t just stores they were communities, and they closed because the people in these communities opted to buy from Amazon or Indigo or super-duper-discount-sex-toys.com.
“All we want (for the holidays) is to keep on surviving. We just want to be here for you when you need us, and we really hope you feel the same, because you just don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
I would like to encourage you all, if you can, to shop at some of our fine local sex stores this holiday season. It’s a great way to show that you support your lover’s unique erotic interests and small, ethical businesses all at once. Buy less but buy local or from local businesses. Businesses like Come as You Are, Good for Her and Lovecraft make our city special. They are invested in being on the front lines of your sexual pleasure and health with quality products, amazing workshops and knowledgeable, friendly staff.
If you cannot afford to purchase erotic gifts at independents, please do them the favour of not using their stores as showrooms as you loudly discuss cheaper price points on places like Amazon. (At the very least, can we all agree what a fucking bullshit misnomer Amazon is? As if the real Amazon has wish lists and product suggestions.)
I realize all this information might be completely useless, as it is entirely possible that the world as we know it will expire on Wednesday and I shall be out on the street hitting people with the remains of an end table, but still…. I seriously doubt, if this does happen, that Amazon will be of any use to you. Come as You Are? At least you can hide in their wheelchair-accessible bathroom.
