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Sexual self-shaming

Dear Sasha.

I’m a 31-year-old male. After spending 11 years without having sex, I recently had a couple of sexual encounters with women that turned disastrous.

Even though they were extremely attractive, I couldn’t get a full erection and in the end had to masturbate myself to orgasm.

Since I’m an extremely shy person, I never had any luck getting sex until recently, and so had to content myself with over a decade of celibacy/masturbation. What I’m worried about is that all those years have caused me irreparable damage sexually, so that the only way I can get off is by masturbating. I have no problem getting off to my own fantasies or porn, but it seems the real thing doesn’t cut it for me, even those things I normally fantasize about.

Is there anything I can do?

Dysfunctional Dude

Dear Dysfunctional,

You must walk away from the anxiety you are generating in yourself. If you can believe it, this kind of self-shaming and fear will actually cause sexual dysfunction.

Begin by developing a more positive attitude toward yourself as a sexual being. Isolation is something that can really fuck with your head (both of them, actually) when it comes to sex, so learning to be sincere and verbal about your history as a start. It’s imperative to be able to admit where you are in your sexual history without shame and to speak openly about it and about your desire to explore.

There is no such thing as irreparable damage when it comes to sex. There is always something you can do, some individualized path to pleasure you can carve out.

So how about we begin with a daily affirmation? Here’s one: “Pleasure is a right for all human beings. It is only as complicated as I make it. Today I will think about my sexuality with loving kindness.”

If you’re a reader, begin purchasing books about sexuality. One that I always recommend is The Good Vibrations Guide To Sex (Cleis Books). The authors speak with comfortable authority.

Dear Sasha,

I am worried about getting genital warts from having anal sex (well, I guess they’d actually be anal warts, but let’s not start splitting pubic hairs, ha-ha). The condom covers the penis, but I read that I can get stuff from skin that’s not covered. Like, it doesn’t just have to be on the penis for me to contract it.

Jex

Dear Jex,

A female condom offers more broad skin protection for anyone worried about HPV/genital warts, though they are not perfect. A lot of sources that suggest using female condoms for anal sex warn that more research needs to be done – in the United States the FDA has yet to deem it safe for anal sex. I’ll go out on a limb and say that has more to do with anal sex than the condom’s efficacy.

Here are some instructions and also some more information [PDF].

Some more benefits to using it for anal sex from a 2010 article in the Washington Post: “The female condom can adhere to the lining of the anus and provide a roomier experience than the male condom. It also opens up the field for a wider range of sexual accessories: ‘With the penile device you have to use water-based lubricants. You can’t use Crisco,’ says [Michael Petrelis, who promotes the use of the female condom to gay men]. The female condom also allows receptive partners to protect themselves against HIV with partners who refuse to use a male condom.”

More here.

You may also consider being vaccinated against a couple of strains of HPV for additional protection.

Dear Sasha,

Just read your article on recycling sex toys. It is a shame that sextoyrecycling.com has not taken off that well. I advertise this service on my site, but to tell you the truth, I don’t know that much about it. I just really liked the concept. I love silicone and glass and, as you mention, these are the easiest and safest to recycle or give to friends, especially dildos. I have yet to give one of mine to a friend, but I think I may make this a goal of mine this year, much better than letting them sit collecting dust in a drawer.

I think it would be so interesting if there was a used sex toy (mainly dildos) auction from celebrities. Have you ever come across this?

Cool,

Donna Maxted, Vibrator Kingdom

Dear Donna,

Porn actors have been known to auction off personal items for profit. Here’s one example.

I have not heard of a case where a mainstream celebrity auctioned off such a personal item. No doubt the fear of pursuant scandal is a concern, i.e., “I got pregnant with Ashton Kutcher’s used Fleshlight.”

In researching your question, I came across this thread that I must share with you all:

“Hey everyone, I’m a cleaner for a sorority at a college in Georgia (sorry can’t give out which school don’t wanna lose my job). Anyways, I’ve made quite the collection over the past year from girls abandoning their sexy little things in the washrooms and in the laundry. End of year is the best. When we clean the bedrooms we find panties stuck under the bed and hung up in the closet – basically everywhere.”

The auctioneer then goes on to describe in detail the various types of panties with photographic evidence of the wearers, along with the offer of a dildo “covered with all sorts of wonderful juices” and warns potential buyers to “hurry because they won’t last long!”

In the world of used intimate apparel and instruments, sorority girls are the stars, Donna. Sisters, when you leave for the summer, be sure to scour your lodgings for such items. They may end up places you didn’t anticipate. At the very least, you should be the ones making the money off your used gaunch. College is expensive.

Got a question? Ask Sasha: sasha@nowtoronto.com

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