Dear Sasha,
I have been married for 15 years to an attractive woman who stays in good shape. Sex with her used to be great. But for the last five years or so I’ve been very bored.
It is always me on top, with no oral sex and no music or candles. She just likes it this way, although I have tried to suggest changes She also doesn’t like watching porno, which I quite enjoy. I’m seriously thinking of going to Ashley Madison for some variety! What do you think of that site? Does it work for some people? Thanks so much.
Tom
Dear Tom,
What? No more music or candles? How can anyone be expected to muster a sensual mood without these small but imperative details? And I suppose the massage oil hasn’t been used in so long, the bottle is covered in that gummy, dusty film?
The fine print of monogamy is often obscured by our most noble intentions and our pirouetting hormones. The idea that “I’m going to feel like this forever!” that propels so many of us toward a singular commitment is actually better put as “I want to feel like this forever!” When all that stops (often abruptly, and supplanted by painfully antithetical emotions), the idea of stepping out is very tempting. We had ourselves con-vinced that we were entitled to that giddy, lovesick you-and-me feeling always.
I find it odd that non-monogamy is frequently described as a phase, because in many regards monogamy is better described as such – or at least the conditions by which we agree to it are often a phase. We use one of the most capricious of our bod-ily functions (our endocrine system) to decide what the rest of our life is going to look like. That’s like giving a 14-year-old boy a Corvette.
As I see it, people get married at the wrong time. It should really happen after they’ve had their hearts kicked around the block a couple of times and after the serotonin circus has left town. But as a friend said to me just today, “Sometimes we just want to be adored.” Yet adoration in a sexual context is difficult to summon with one person. Forever. And ever.
Tom, I’ve had my criticisms of Ashley Madison over the years. I think the most consistent one is its lack of dignity: the glib statistics and cheeky imagery it uses to reassure its users that what they’re doing is what everyone’s doing, so why not?
But really, what should a website for people looking for a little extra on the side look like? Is there a required solemnity about such an endeavour rather than the site’s flip “Life’s short. Have an affair” motto? In the end, for what it is, the owners have chosen the only possible route: cheerful surrender. At that point, it’s the best you can do.
You’ve been through all the other feelings: self-loathing, humiliation, begging and screaming fights. The shine is off. Time to find it elsewhere if you’re going to save the little civility that’s left.
As Noel Biderman, the proprietor of Ashley Madison, said in an interview in the L.A. Times a couple of years ago, “Infidelity has been around a lot longer than Ashley Madison.” The very fact that we have varying universal notions of marital fidelity suggests that we’ve always had to fight against these urges and that there is an inherent flaw in our ideals.
Last week we talked about the stalemate most intimate relationships reach at some point. Reader K JK remarked, “All other parts of life may be working quite well for the two individuals, so there should be no need for them to cease the overall relationship just because the sexual side has been mutually nullified.
“What the thousands of couples in this situation need to realize is that they need to outsource their sex lives (have extremely safe sex with other people while staying committed to their marriage relationship) and loving each other in every other part of life.
“Shouldn’t it be called cheating each other if you don’t do this? If you are otherwise having a great relationship without sex, then doesn’t it make sense that you can both have a great relationship with sex, with someone else, since you both weren’t having sex with each other anyway?”
This notion of cheating the primary relationship that’s gone sexless by not seeking relief elsewhere is one that is covered in this 14-year-old broadcast on This American Life. Take note of the male/female couple interviewed and the woman who muses on faithfulness and fidelity versus loyalty.
As to the question of the success rate of Ashley Madison users, you’ll find some answers here.
Dear Sasha,
I’m looking for a sex toy that satisfies a very specific need. I spent years in a state of what I can only describe as anorgasmia: I couldn’t come via all the traditional methods. Touching my clitoris only brought me frustration, and penetration, though nice, didn’t bring me to climax. I have discovered through digital penetration that I have a very sensitive spot internally, somewhere on the wall between my anus and my vaginal canal. It’s difficult for me to reach with my own fingers and also hard to stimulate repetitively. Any suggestions on something I can get up there that might do the trick?
Wonder Wall
Dear Wall,
What you’ll want to look for is any type of vibrator that stimulates the area we commonly refer to as the G-spot. Generally, these toys are curved to reach the area in the opposite direction of your unique spot. Simply turn the device around to get at your own.
Some options can be found here.
The Gigi by Lelo strikes me as your best bet, as it offers you the most manual control. It’s a compact, curved unit that has a flattened head you can push against your special area.
