I’ve never been a shrinking violet. Often to my detriment, I’ve been more of an in-your-face than an in-the-shadows type.
It’s worked against me. It’s also worked in my favour, since our culture tends to reward extroversion and punish those less comfortable putting themselves out there by overlooking them.
This seems rather unfair, as introversion and shyness are really quite common. Fear of social interaction manifests itself on a variety of levels, from harmless to debilitating.
Does everyone have to be singing and dancing all the time? Isn’t there room for the quiet people?
How do you know when you really have a problem?
What the experts say
“Shyness is not a mental health problem. If a door opens, some newborns will turn their head to see what’s going on others will cry. For some, stimulation is interesting for others it’s upsetting. Shy people are most comfortable with people they know already. If confronted with busier or more variable environments, they’re uncomfortable. That’s a problem if people become too nervous to do what they want to do. Small steps are useful, trying things out to get used to them. Give yourself a chance to discover you can survive the experience, even if it feels trepidatious. The principle is exposure and then learning that your thought or fear is worse than the situation.”
PAUL KELLY
psychologist, clinical director, the Mindfulness Clinic,
Toronto
“People think of leaders as extroverts, but a lot of research shows that introverted leaders deliver better outcomes because they’re more likely to nurture others’ ideas. Introverts thrive in all kinds of leadership positions. In spite of this, we set up our world for extroverts. Classrooms are high-stimulation environments with group work offices are built around teamwork we throw people in a room to brainstorm. Research says that’s not the best way to be creative. We need a hybrid approach that lets people work by themselves and then come together. This is the big diversity issue of our time.”
SUSAN CAIN
author, Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking,
New York City
“Realize you’re going into an environment that’s going to trigger anxiety acknowledge it and identify what’s going on: ‘I’m having a social anxiety attack. I fear that I’m going to be made to feel that I’m not good enough.’ Challenge that thought. Are people really thinking of you in that negative way? It’s not honest to use a past experience to foresee a future outcome. The more you get used to being in a vulnerable position, the more you get used to dealing with it.”
BRUNO LOGRECO
life coach,
Toronto
“Many people think they don’t belong in a social setting because they lack some quality. They also believe everyone will be looking at them and judging them. They simultaneously believe ‘I am unworthy!’ and that ‘everybody wants to find out about me!’ They’re probably both not true. A breathing exercise can soothe panic symptoms: Place one hand above your belt, the other on your chest. Open your mouth and sigh. Close your mouth and pause. Keep your mouth closed and inhale slowly through your nose by pushing your stomach out. Pause. Open your mouth. Exhale through your mouth by pulling your belly in. Pause. Repeat.
DAVE CARBONELL
director, Anxiety Treatment Center,
Chicago
“Shyness and introversion are not the same thing introverts simply prefer solitary activities, while shy people are in pain. They want to be in the social mix but just don’t know how. There are degrees of anxiety. Shy people can work, go to parties, but have difficulty once they’re there. People with social anxiety can work but can’t go to social functions. Socially phobic people can’t get on a bus, find it difficult to go to work or even leave the house. A tip for coping with shyness is to be other-focused. A major factor in shyness is critical self-evaluation. Don’t think about how well you’re doing think about what you can do to help others be more comfortable.”
BERNARDO J. CARDUCCI
director, Shyness Research Institute, Indiana University Southeast,
New Albany
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