Dear Sasha,
2012 was a rough year for me. My marriage of 23 years dissolved unpleasantly, to say the very least, and I am clearly in the beginning stages of the change of life, as my British mother so discreetly puts it.
I am a 53-year-old so-far-so-straight woman who is newly single, experiencing radical hormonal shifts and looking at a brave new world I saw on the Jetsons as a child but never really imagined would happen.
I have given myself a challenge for 2013: to do 13 things I have never done before. Several of those things involve travel and style changes, but some, and this is where you come in, involve adventures of an intimate nature.
I am interested in having sex with another woman, preferably younger but not so young that she could be my granddaughter. I wish to visit a swingers club (and if you could make me invisible so that I do not have to interact awkwardly with people, that would be great) and I’m interested in female ejaculation, though I’m not certain this will even be possible with my nether region getting a bit dusty.
A Lean And Hungry Outlook
Dear Lean,
Well, it looks like you have your sex work cut out for you this year. Allow me to suggest some tools to make your journey a little easier.
First one: patience. Living within the frantic and entitled vibe of capitalism, we are accustomed to getting what we want as soon as the idea strikes us. We forget that getting to the thing and not just getting the thing is affirming and enjoyable. Enjoy the teachings and the results matter less.
On that note, when it comes to sexual exploration, try practising reduced expectations. We cannot expect that the fantasy we have will be matched by actuality. This happens a lot when people do internet dating. They get themselves all in a dither over someone they meet on a relationship and hookup site, imprinting all kinds of hopes and prospects on them, and then when they meet, these expectations are, of course, impossible to live up to.
I know it’s exciting to look forward to something. Just try to relax on this a little bit. Be gentle with yourself and you will be less inclined to writhe through the drama of throwing in the towel every time someone doesn’t live up to your standards. Try to remember the adage, “Expectations are just planned resentments,” and your explorations will be less jarring when they go awry (and they will).
Now, let’s get to that G spot, shall we? You live in a city where there are still, despite all odds, wonderful independent spaces dedicated to exploring your desires. We are so lucky. May we all acknowledge this and as a resolution for 2013 continue to support these spaces so they remain open and committed to fulfilling their own goals.
On February 15, Good for Her hosts a G spot workshop that I suggest you attend. You’ll be glad to know that menopause does not influence your ability to ejaculate or enjoy your G spot, should this actually be an area that gives you pleasure. Here’s a book to get you started: goodforher.com/female_ejaculation_and_gspot.
Please also read this very sensible and sensitive information about the G spot from Come as You Are.
There are many toys designed to reach the G spot and stimulate it. Both of the above-mentioned stores offer an array of products and reviews on their websites. My personal favourite is this one by Lelo. Also excellent, I’ve discovered, for stimulating the prostate in biological men.
As a single woman, you are very welcome to attend most Lifestyle events. You will find the staff and space at Oasis Aqualounge warm and friendly. From 8 to 10 pm on the first and third Thursday of every month, the club offers a tour. For single women the tour is free, and you are welcome to stay afterwards for only $20.
I unfortunately do not have the skill to make you or anyone else invisible, but bear in mind that being silent and non-participatory – by that I mean not chatting with people – in sex clubs is considered rude. You will have to be brave, my dear, and say hello to people and even be semi-clothed. If you don’t already have a nice peignoir, consider purchasing one. I find them to be the most comfortable piece of lingerie to wear in a public setting such as this.
Oasis would be a perfect space to explore your burgeoning interest in women, especially since many of the women who come here are bisexual or bi-curious but partnered with men and therefore open to casual encounters with other women. You are free to attend women- and trans-only events of course – keep your eyes open for these evenings hosted at Oasis – but as a novice, you may find the environment a little overwhelming and politicized. Take a little time to acclimatize yourself before you spend an evening being chided for your errors regarding gender pronouns.
Consider also engaging a female sex worker. Here is a very positive story about one woman’s experience doing this in Toronto.
Look on TERB and Eros for women who provide services for women. To paraphrase Chester Brown in his amazing book Paying For It, “The paying-for-it line moves faster.” There are many beguiling and physically diverse female escorts in Toronto. And those who do offer services to women occasionally do so at special Sapphic rates.
Finally, I admit I don’t read a lot of sex blogs, but I’d certainly be inclined to read one by a recently single woman in her 50s who’s embarking on a new adventure in an aging ship. You might consider starting one as a creative project and calling it The Millennium Cougar, in reference to a film you have no doubt seen.
Bonne chance, ma belle!
