Dear Sasha,
I’ve known I was queer ever since I was 12. Fortunately, growing up with this truth, coming out to my parents and being open about my queerness in general was never a problem. I’ve always loved my queerness!
However, over the years and through circumstance and excess availability, I suppose, I’ve mainly only found myself in long-term relationships with cisgendered men. Ironically, I’m in fact more attracted to women than I am to men, at one point identifying as strictly a lesbian, but so far have never really had the opportunity to embrace that part of myself. Now in my mid 20s, I feel like a virgin all over again.
I look forward to being with women and celebrating that part of my sexuality, but so far I’m finding myself feeling shy and insecure about my abilities, or lack thereof. I’m not promiscuous, having learned long ago that I only enjoy sleeping with people with whom I’m in love. Thus I find myself single for long periods of time between long-term relationships, which is totally fine with me!
I just hope to avoid falling into a long-term relationship with another man, still not having indulged my significant attraction to women. Of course, love is love, and I recognize that I essentially fall in love with people’s souls, not their genitals… but I guess I just don’t want to find myself in my 40s, still a virgin in terms of my lesbian self.
Lesbian Virgin
Well, you can rest easy in the knowledge that you have the tortuous, oblique processing part of being a lesbian down pat. Phew!
Also, props to you for embracing contemporary queer gender argot with such ease – very considerate!
Now, let us take a seat on my comfy beanbag with our peppermint tea and talk frankly about “celebrating” being a lesbian.
Virgin, as someone whose sexual path took a similar trajectory (long-term relationships with men, dalliances with women, queer as fuck from the get-go), I will say frankly that you may only be prepared for the emotional intensity of full-time lesbianism as you approach your middle age. Despite years of groundwork, I still found myself, at 40, quite under-prepared for the swirling vortex of womanlove. As I said to my therapist a few months ago, “Honestly, being a lesbian is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Why is everyone so worried about how the sex trade affects women? That was a cakewalk compared to this.”
Are you really ready? Have you studied your Junior Lesbian Ranger Handbook? Had a good long listen to Girl On The Road by Ferron? I just want you to be aware that some traditions in dyke culture may take a certain maturity (and for my part, medication) to be handled with any grace or dignity.
Add to that the fact that the level of yearning you are embodying at the moment may make your quarry rather tense. As the Born Ruffians song This Sentence Will Ruin/Save Your Life goes, “I need a girlfriend, I’m lonely / someone to love me and fuck me / I need to get laid immediately / but also someone to fulfill my needs.”
Aside from the fact that the title of this song very aptly describes the curse/blessing of lesbianism, the lyrics themselves seem to provide a good picture of your current emotional state: I need to be a lesbian right now. Right now.
Teasing aside, you are allowed, at any age, to be a clumsy lover, make a scene at the Henhouse and write a poem in which you compare someone’s vagina to the sea, a bivalve mollusk or a twilit street.
And don’t forget, as my wise friend Anne (who has the good lesbian fortune of being in a relationship with a woman who shares her name) says, “We become such navel-gazers, we forget the simple pleasures like flirting because we are so goal-oriented.”
Welcome, Virgin. Here are some links you may find helpful: The Henhouse, The Whole Lesbian Book, nomorepotlucks.org the519.org superdyke.com.
Dear Sasha,
I am a 40-year-old male who’s been married for a long time. I love sex, but unfortunately there’s not much of it in my life. Over the last year or so I’ve been curious as to what it would be like to suck a guy’s cock. I watch porn when I get a chance and find trannies excite me quite a bit. I would like to have the experience with a tranny but don’t know how to go about it discreetly.
Curious
As luck would have it, most large cities play host to a variety of businesses, both legitimate and underground, that cater to people whose needs are not being met in their marriages.
A few tips that may facilitate an exchange with a transsexual lover are:
A transsexual or transgendered person who was biologically male is not a guy. A transsexual or transgendered person who was biologically female is a guy. So be clear: do you want to suck an MTF cock or do you want to suck an FTM cock? This is an important distinction both as a point of respect and if you are cruising online and are unfamiliar with transgender terminology.
There are clubs in this city where transgendered and transsexual people party and do business. Goodhandy’s is one. You may also check the personals on Craigslist. Discretion is best assured in a professional context. Expect to pay, in other words. And be safe. Cheating on your spouse is bullshit, but gifting her with syphilis on top of it? Not cool at all.
