Dear Sasha,
My girlfriend and I have been exploring the delights of ass play on me.
We went from one finger to a couple to a toy larger than my dick – not to brag, but it was pretty big. We are both thrilled by the idea of her getting her whole hand up there and have spent weeks dirty-talking each other into a dither over it. Any tips on making this event not end at the emergency room?
Ass Boy, Ass Girl
Dear Asses,
Oh, you two. Just up to no good whatsoever, aren’t you? Yes, my dears, it is possible to get a fist in your bum without things resulting in a medical calamity. First, step away from the dither and re-approach this with as much patience as you can.
Do you like books? Here’s a list that deals with anal play, one specific to fisting: The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Men by Bill Brent Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin and Trust: The Hand Book: A Guide To The Sensual And Spiritual Art Of Handballing by Bert Herrman. Keep in mind that the language around HIV/AIDS in Herrman’s book reflects it publication date of 1991, and that Tristan Taormino wrote of Herrman, “An old-school fister, Bert’s into getting high on pot and poppers and stuffing gobs of Crisco, whereas I am into endorphin highs and a nice, thick water-based lubricant.”
I would suggest trying Taormino’s method before you get into any radical spiritual fagnastics. You may also find some tips for anal relaxation in the films Anal Massage For Lovers 1 and 2 featuring Carol Queen and Robert Lawrence.
If you get started and you just feel like you can’t get past that crucial spot on the hand where all five knuckles meet in a bulging cluster, don’t push it. You don’t need a doctor to tell you how sensitive your asshole is and what life might be like in the ensuing months after you’ve torn it in two being a show pony.
Fire in the hole
Dear Sasha,
I’m a 26-year-old woman, and for the past four or five months I’ve been having a lot of pain in my pussy’s entrance when I have sex.
This is a new thing and very disturbing. It’s not so bad when I masturbate, but when I insert anything I get a burning sensation that feels dry and painful no matter how much lubricant I use. I don’t think it’s an STD since my partner and I are monogamous, but I’m worried. It’s freaking me out and really putting a damper on my sex life!
Pain in the Pussy
Dear Pain,
Of course you’re worried, and no doubt this stress is only exacerbating the physical discomfort you’re feeling.
The umbrella term for vaginal pain is vulvodynia (which literally means pain in the vulva), but what it sounds like based on your specific description is something called vulvar vestibulitis. As with fibromyalgia, diagnosis and treatment are imprecise, but I found some helpful information here and here.
According to some statistics, 10 to 18 per cent of women suffer from vulvodynia in some form or another.
If this is the case with you, it could be caused by a number of factors. Over the years I’ve read that allergies or sensitivities to oxalates in your pee, yeast infections, BV or HPV as well as emotional and sexual abuse have been linked to vulvodynia. But again, it seems there’s a lot of research and many vague conclusions and solutions. It’s not at all surprising that this sensitive and denigrated part of our anatomy at times suffers despair that manifests as chronic and mysterious pain. So often these are prevailing themes in our sex lives.
Consult your gynecologist and make sure she is aware of the precise nature and location of this pain. Vulvodynia is a condition that’s diagnosed by ruling out other things, so you’ll likely have to have a bunch of tests for STIs and perhaps other tests where you are touched in various spots in the genital area and asked to describe the type of discomfort and its levels.
You may also be told, since there may be no visible symptoms, that you are simply imagining this. Many women who suffer from vulvodynia (and fibromyalgia, come to think of it) hear this for years, although respect and understanding are growing in the medical system. There’s certainly much more information online than there was a decade ago.
I’m sorry to say that this is not necessarily something you’ll find answers and solutions to immediately. Again, as with fibromyalgia, there is not a lot of conclusive information about diagnosis and treatment. Many women who suffer from vulvodynia find relief in a multi-pronged (I’m sorry, I know the last word you want to read right now is “pronged”) approach involving medical doctors, therapists and community. I hope you get appropriate care for whatever the problem may be.
COMMUNITY NOTES
Speaking of dithers, guess who’s coming to the TCAF (Toronto Comic Arts Festival) this year and debuting her new graphic novel?
Alison Bechdel is. You all remember her from Dykes To Watch Out For and Fun Home (best graphic novel that happened to my life since Ghost World). Her new graphic novel is called Are You My Mother?
She tackles a family relationship again, this time with her mother, who – hands up if this one rings a bell – when Bechdel was seven, told her she was too old to be hugged and kissed and tucked in. Bechdel has a gentle, thoughtful way of seeing her way through to the other side of these cauterized relations without resentment. I’ve no doubt her latest graphic memoir will be as compelling and perceptive as the last.
She presents Are You My Mother? at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre on May 5 at 7 pm (doors at 6:30) at TCAF’s hotly anticipated queer comic nerd mixer.
On the same day at 1:45 pm, Bechdel sits on a panel at the Pilot Tavern called Growing Up In Comics that also features Michel Rabagliati, who created the incredible graphic novel Paul Has A Summer Job. The artists plan to talk about what it’s like depicting their lives on the page.
For all the current details on the star-spangled TCAF lineup this year, go to torontocomics.com.
