PIXELS (Chris Columbus). Opens Friday (July 24). See listings. 106 minutes. Rating: NN
Where to watch: iTunes
Patrick Jean’s short film Pixels delivers nostalgic, nerdgastic thrills in under three minutes. His version has 80s-era video game characters, from Space Invaders to Donkey Kong, rain down from the sky to wreak 8-bit havoc on Manhattan. No need for dumb explanations and certainly no need for Adam Sandler, whose brand of dry smirk and slacker entitlement is all over the big-screen adaptation.
Sandler’s former arcade champ Sam Brenner finds his calling in life when aliens turn our fond Nintendo memories against us in a bid for domination. Kevin James plays Sam’s BFF, who also happens to be the POTUS, which can only make sense in the Happy Madison universe. Josh Gad shows up to play the hyperventilating uber-nerd whose main function is to make Sandler’s Sam come off cool like Hammett’s Spade.
And then there’s Michelle Monaghan as Violet. She’s introduced as a sexy and emotionally vulnerable romantic interest for Sam, then turns into a cock-blocking shrew before finally warming up to our heroic geeks. Her character, a high-ranking military officer who always stays out of the boys’ way, plays well within Gamergate rules.
The only actor who tries to make screen time worthwhile (besides the adorable CGI rendition of Q*Bert) is Peter Dinklage, who plays Sam’s old nemesis, an ex-con contracted to aid in the war on Tetris. With no worthy dialogue to work with, Dinklage simply has fun affecting a rough-but-flavoured fresh-out-of-the-slammer accent similar to what Gary Oldman pulled off in True Romance.
The actors aren’t meant to leave much of an impression opposite the arcade relics on the poster but director Chris Columbus has a hard time recreating the fun those video games represented. Locals may enjoy seeing Pac-Man chomping down Adelaide, since the ensuing car chase scene is the most dynamic action we get.
Columbus has a better time with communiqués from the aliens in the form of other 80s icons. There’s nothing more amusing than seeing a digitally modified Holiday-era Madonna talking about conquering the world. If only those same special effects could be used to animate Adam Sandler.
