Rating: NNNNN
Britney was clearly dead on in announcing her imminent baby-making retirement. Next to the new gaggle of high-profile underage tartlets, Mrs. Federline and her old rival Xtina come off as haggard crones. As perky blond nymphet Hilary Duff prepares to thrill hordes of screaming tweeners at the ACC Friday (January 14), here’s a handy scorecard to help you choose which mini-diva is right for you.Britney was clearly dead on in announcing her imminent baby-making retirement. Next to the new gaggle of high-profile underage tartlets, Mrs. Federline and her old rival Xtina come off as haggard crones. As perky blond nymphet Hilary Duff prepares to thrill hordes of screaming tweeners at the ACC Friday (January 14), here’s a handy scorecard to help you choose which mini-diva is right for you.
HILARY DUFF
Is she legal? Is she legal?
Nope.
If this were the 80s, she would be… If this were the 80s, she would be…
Squeaky-clean Debbie – excuse me, Deborah Gibson
Friend of Jesus? Friend of Jesus?
Not as far as we know, although she is Disney-approved.
Sibling rivalry? Sibling rivalry?
Recorded oddly sapphic duet Our Lips Are Sealed with big sis Haylie, who’s riding Hilary’s ass to fame and fortune.
Incestuous dating patterns? Incestuous dating patterns?
Initiated well-publicized cat fight with Lindsay Lohan after squeeze Aaron Carter started romancing Hilary’s red-headed rival behind her back. Recently linked to Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden, who told Howard Stern he’s waiting till Duff turns 18 next year before he’ll kiss her. At press time, Madden had yet to canoodle with any other teen queens.
Bizarre Toronto connection? Bizarre Toronto connection?
Rumoured to have met current “platonic” flame Joel Madden backstage at MuchMusic Video Awards, which Duff attended when she was in Toronto shooting the Russell Crowe vehicle Cinderella Man.
Can she actually sing? Can she actually sing?
Could millions of prepubescent girls be wrong? Er, well, she hasn’t been caught faking it yet, although Duff’s defended her pal Ashlee Simpson in public statements.
MANDY MOORE
Is she legal? Is she legal?
In Canada she is.
If this were the 80s, she would be… If this were the 80s, she would be…
Mariah Carey, cuz she’s got some skills… though Lindsay’s more likely to succumb to Tommy Mottola’s Svengali machinations
Friend of Jesus? Friend of Jesus?
Raised Catholic, but believes spirituality “is a personal choice.” Starred as a two-faced fundamentalist in Saved!, which almost makes up for her Bible-thumping travesty A Walk To Remember.
Sibling rivalry? Sibling rivalry?
Has two brothers, neither of whom has been in a boy band, although older sib Scott hosted MTV’s Wannabe.
Incestuous dating patterns? Incestuous dating patterns?
Former plus-one Andy Roddick hasn’t dallied with any other pop divas, but Moore dated Wilmer Valderrama for over a year before he locked lips with Lindsay Lohan, and according to tabloid reports the two are keeping company again. Dude, how does Fez get so much action?
Bizarre Toronto connection? Bizarre Toronto connection?
Hooked up with tennis ace Andy Roddick when she was shooting How To Deal in T.O., in an elaborate relationship transaction brokered by, er, Moore’s mom. Ew.
Can she actually sing? Can she actually sing?
Uh-huh.
LINDSAY LOHAN
Is she legal? Is she legal?
Celebrated her 18th birthday last July, so…
If this were the 80s, she would be… If this were the 80s, she would be…
Tiffany, the red-headed princess of mall rats
Friend of Jesus? Friend of Jesus?
If she ever was, Lohan’s recent forays into club debauchery have gotten her cut off for good. Can any pal of Paris Hilton’s really be a friend of JC?
Sibling rivalry? Sibling rivalry?
Little bro Cody was devastated when Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden refused to give the tyke an autograph till Lindsay apologized to Madden’s lady friend, Hilary Duff. Ouch.
Incestuous dating patterns? Incestuous dating patterns?
Aside from her Aaron Carter feud with Duff, Lohan’s romanced Moore ex Wilmer Valderrama, dallied with his model pal Clarence Fuller post-breakup and, rumour has it, got cozy with Colin Farrell (who also had a fling with Britney) when the two starred on SNL. Like Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, but so much dirtier.
Bizarre Toronto connection? Bizarre Toronto connection?
Shot three movies here: 2002’s Disney trifle Get A Clue, last year’s Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen and Mean Girls. Surprisingly, caused no notable scandals while in T.O.
Can she actually sing? Can she actually sing?
Caught lip-synching during her appearance on Good Morning America. Feeble live performance on the Ellen Show confirms GMA fans were lucky they got the pre-recorded vocals.
ASHLEE SIMPSON
Is she legal? Is she legal?
Turns 21 in October. American bars, watch out!
If this were the 80s, she would be… If this were the 80s, she would be…
One-hit-wonder Martika, who similarly got caught lip-synching when she dropped her mic onstage.
Friend of Jesus? Friend of Jesus?
Daughter of a preacher man who ixnayed her film debut as a lesbian. But where was the Big Guy during Ashlee’s infamous SNL reflux two-step? How ’bout when she got booed at the Orange Bowl? Huh?
Sibling rivalry? Sibling rivalry?
Owes every ounce of fame she has to her Chicken of the Sea-shilling big sis.
Incestuous dating patterns? Incestuous dating patterns?
Was on-again, off-again with her childhood friend Ryan Cabrera for years, but sources now claim Simpson’s dating David Desrosiers, the bassist for A Simple Plan – which just happens to be Lindsay Lohan’s little brother’s new favourite band.
Bizarre Toronto connection? Bizarre Toronto connection?
Like thousands of Torontonians, suffers from acid reflux. Plus, she’s playing Massey Hall March 13, so check back with us then.
Can she actually sing? Can she actually sing?
Do we really need to answer that?
