Yeezy season (or, if you prefer, Kanyukkah) is almost upon us. Kanye West was supposed to play Toronto this week on his first solo tour in five years, a production so grandiose, unwieldy and complicated that a number of shows have been postponed or cancelled, the stagehands and venues unable to keep up. Ambitious, yes, but you don’t give songs titles like I Am A God without thinking you just might be capable of miracles similar to those of a certain deity. Whether Ye actually makes it to the ACC to sermonize from his mount on the new show dates (December 22 and 23) might require extra divine intervention, but how does Yeezus match up against his namesake? Let’s put them head to head to see who’s got the edge in 21st century salvation.
Debut
Yeezus The Bounce, on Jay Z’s Blueprint 2
Jesus A manger in Bethlehem
WINNER Jesus. Blueprint 2 wasn’t all that good.
Self-styled nickname
Yeezus The Louis Vuitton Don
Jesus Prince of Peace
WINNER Yeezus. Only Prince gets to call himself Prince any more.
Father figure
Yeezus Jay/Hova
Jesus Jehovah
WINNER Jesus. This was a tie until Jay put out Magna Carta. That’s worse than God making the platypus.
Body of work
Yeezus: Six five-star albums
Jesus: Four wordy Gospels
WINNER Yeezus. (Unless the Vatican leaks the Gospel of Judas, Kanye takes it on output alone.)
Lady friend
Yeezus Fame whore Kim Kardashian
Jesus Actual whore Mary Magdalene
WINNER Yeezus, because Kim’s book Kardashian Konfidential > The Da Vinci Code, and because her almost pathological commitment to the letter K is admirable.
Best collaboration
Yeezus Watch The Throne
Jesus The Holy Trinity
WINNER Jesus. Gotta rep my Catholic upbringing here.
Notable cameo
Yeezus The Love Guru
Jesus Tortilla shell in Hermosillo, Mexico
WINNER Jesus. (Have you seen The Love Guru? It’s the worst thing to happen to Toronto in the last few decades, and that includes both Rob Ford and the 1997-98 Raptors.)
Age 33 project
Yeezus My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, quite possibly his greatest album
Jesus Resurrection after Calvary, quite possibly his greatest magic trick
WINNER Tie.
Notable beefs
Yeezus George W. Bush, Kris Humphries, anyone nearby with a camera
Jesus Pontius Pilate, Satan, anyone who’s moneylending in a temple
WINNER Yeezus, whose criticism on Katrina was taken by Bush to be “the worst moment” of a presidency that included 9/11, Iraq and a historic stock market collapse.
Decision
Yeezus holds his own against the 2,000-time champ, but a 4-4-1 tie likely isn’t enough to supplant Jesus as Messiah in the minds of some 2 billion global devotees. He’ll have to settle for mere musical sainthood.
music@nowtoronto.com
