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Resolution, not revolution! that is my slogan for the new year. Make a list and be resolute. Find fellow resolutionaries and work to resolve our differences. Spread the word of resolution wherever we go.
QUESTIONS I’D LIKE TO SEE RESOLVED: The exact dimensions of the spider hole George Bush crawled into on 9/11 when he disappeared and wasn’t heard from for some hours. Percentage it is larger than Saddam’s spider hole. Amount of weaponage Bush had with him compared to weaponage Saddam had. Use results in formula to discover who is actually the bigger coward.
PERSONAL RESOLUTION PROJECTS: 1) Establish Civilian Remembrance Days. In modern warfare 10 civilians die for every soldier. Most often these are children, the elderly and women. Lest we forget.
2) Establish and publicize an irony emoticon. It is very difficult for readers to know which parts of a given text are intended ironically or sarcastically. We need a worldwide irony emoticon. I suggest :]. This would be most useful to newscasters reading such phrases as “America’s most trusted news source:].” Think how much an irony emoticon would have helped with Bush’s delivery of the phrase “weapons of mass destruction:].” Irony emoticons could then be applied to pertinent parts of the U.S. Constitution.
b If Osama bin Laden himself were to be discovered hiding in Canada, those who apprehended him could not legally pull down his pants, throw him over the back of a car and smack his ass till he wept. If the culprit were a little girl, however, who had just displeased a parent, spank away – a 110-year-old section of the Criminal Code still protects the rights of parents, “care-givers” or educators to spank children. In 04, we may finally grant our children security of person. An appeal of Section 43 is before the courts. There is no such thing as a good spanking.
FANTASY STORY I WILL WRITE THIS YEAR: In my story, genetic scientists will rewire our sexual urges so that we lust to be kind. All we can think about is kindness. We buy magazines with images of people we’d really like to be kind to. “I’ll let you be kind to me if you’ll let me be kind to you.” Amazingly, suffering worldwide is ended within one lusty year. The punchline of the story will be: “Now we are truly Human Kind.” Vive la resolution!
