Sometimes we have bad days.
That’s when we’re suddenly attacked by memories of every stupid or terrible thing we’ve ever done. We look in the mirror and feel ugly and imperfect, and head into that low self-esteem rut where all we want to do is watch reruns of The Big Bang Theory, eat fried food and drink whisky.
But lying around bemoaning how much we suck is no way to go through life. Do we worry too much about what we think of ourselves? My money is on yes. Getting over ourselves is probably the number-one way to conquer a negative self-concept.
What the experts say
“A good way to build your sense of worthiness is to make a list of everything you’re good at. Then ask a bunch of kind and loving people in your life what they think you’re good at. Reflect on how many of these behaviours and qualities are similar to those of people you think very highly of. Now you have placed yourself in very good company. Start treating yourself as well as you think any of these people deserve to be treated.”
JESSICA JENKINS, life coach, Toronto
“Stimulate your senses with vibrant autumn colours to nourish your self-esteem if you’re feeling a little grey with the end of summer. Simply surrender into fall colours and indulge in tantalizing shades of red, orange and lemon swirled into shades of green landscapes and turquoise and aqua blue waters. You can wear these colours, eat them or use coloured lighting at home and in the office.”
JULIANNE BIEN, developer of Lumalight Colour & Geometry System, Spectrahue, Toronto
“When you’re experiencing low self-esteem, the culprit is always your own thoughts. You are giving yourself negative messages like “I should be better than I am” or “there’s nothing special about me.” Although you probably believe these painful thoughts with all your heart, they are, in fact, distorted and illogical. You’re telling yourself things that aren’t true. Depression is the world’s oldest con. You’re involved in all-or-nothing thinking, mental filtering, discounting the positive, emotional reasoning, “should” statements and self-blame, to name just a few cognitive distortions. Here’s the good news: when you change the way you think, you change the way you feel.”
DAVID BURNS, author, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, Stanford, California
“This issue is not just about having confidence in yourself or putting a smile on your face. It goes back to our childhood and things people have said to us that end up forming dysfunctional thoughts, usually negative, we tell ourselves over and over. It’s important to find out what those thoughts are and flip them around, focusing on positive ones. ‘I’m a charming individual, I have a great job and I have my life put together.’ Focus on three key points that you like about yourself and repeat those as often as you can.”
KIMBERLY MOFFITT, psychotherapist and relationship counsellor, Toronto
“Talk to yourself in a nurturing voice. ‘I understand that you are having a difficult day’ or ‘I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time.’ Don’t force yourself to ‘be happy.’ Acknowledge that you are having a difficult time and allow yourself to feel angry, sad, afraid, etc. Self-soothe with a massage or a warm bath. Talk to a friend who knows you well and is likely to remind you how great you are!”
BEVERLY ENGEL, psychotherapist, author, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, Los Alamos, California
“Self-esteem has been blamed for juvenile crime, drug and alcohol abuse, educational underachievement and race prejudice. There is little evidence to support any of these claimed consequences. There are also claims about causes of low self-esteem that have no foundation in fact, including being female and belonging to a disadvantaged social group. But low self-esteem is associated with risk of teenage pregnancy, eating disorders and suicide risk. It is also a myth that there is an easy road to achieving high self-esteem. As Roy Baumeister has observed, we would be better off being less preoccupied with our self-esteem than with being nicer people.”
NICHOLAS EMLER, professor of social psychology, University of Surrey, Guildford, UK
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