My friend recently quit a job at a high school where the kids are horrid and rude, and his commute was three hours in total. He got a new job. But he almost didn’t leave the old one.
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Why? He felt guilty because they’d have to find a new teacher. Bananas, right? Sure. But I totally get it.
I’m Jewish, so I feel guilty about pretty much everything I’ve ever done in my entire life.
Things I’ve said, done or haven’t done constantly come back to haunt me. The time I stabbed another little girl with a pencil when I was about seven (cringe), the time in high school I macked with a boy one of my best friends was crushing on, and way worse things I’ve done that I would never share with you.
I think we all have guilty consciences to one degree or another, unless we’re psychotic.
But at what point does it start to interfere with our lives?
And at what point does guilt become the much more debilitating emotion, shame?
It can be a slippery slope from feeling like you did a bad thing to feeling like a bad person.
What the experts say
“People who don’t have guilt are at best out for themselves, at worst criminals. But toxic guilt is like cancer. Anxiety about your own goodness can make you stressed and vulnerable to illness and chronic disease. If you can’t leave your hairdresser because you’ve been going to her for years, that’s toxic guilt. Women have it worse than men. People who have toxic guilt tend to be hyper-responsible, devoted to pleasing others and inclined to rescue. Guilty people need to learn that they deserve the same satisfying life that everybody else has. You need to work at it. Guilt is that bad feeling for what you have or should have done. Shame is that bad feeling about who you are.”
SUSAN CARRELL, author, Escaping Toxic Guilt, Longmont, Colorado
“Depression usually stems from shame or guilt. Guilt has to do with a moral code – you committed a wrong or broke an agreement. A choice was made. But shame is different it’s being caught in the moment. You’re not aware that you’re doing something wrong, but suddenly you feel you’re not good enough, a feeling of inadequacy. Then there’s remorse, like if a relative you didn’t spend enough time with passes away. It has a physical weight people feel in the chest or stomach. There’s layer after layer after layer of negative emotions. If something is preventing someone from experiencing what they want, shame or guilt is usually attached to it.”
MICHAEL J. EMERY, personal development coach, Portland, Oregon
“Guilt can be healthy. In its pure form, it’s a little warning sign that tells you your behaviour is not well intentioned. Your body tells you when your motive is less than honourable. But don’t let it debilitate you and throw you into shame. Shame is often unconscious and destructive. You can gather shame over a day, a week, a lifetime, and it can affect the whole functioning of the body. Different people hold it differently. It can affect posture, organ health and functioning, energy flow, how you present yourself to the world. People who walk in shame are bent over, like they’ve got an extra load of gravity on them.”
AUDREY JOLLY, integral psychotherapist, Toronto
“We induced shame and guilt in half of our participants by having them write about a traumatic experience in which they blamed themselves. Those who showed the greatest increases in shame showed the greatest increase in pro-inflammatory cytokine activity. We have also found relationships between shame and increases in cortisol, another stress hormone. If you experience these inflammatory markers chronically, it could have long-term health implications. Increases in inflammatory products are linked to increased risk of cardiovascular disease.”
SALLY DICKERSON, professor, department psychology and social behaviour, University of California, Irvine
