Quick! Name the seven deadly sins! Okay, you don’t know the whole list. I’ll just tell you it includes envy, one of those persistent human failings that’s really hard to avoid in the wall-to-wall advertising age. An entire industry taps the best minds to generate lust for others’ finer attributes and possessions, so it’s no wonder we live in a culture of chronic coveting. Wanna avoid the envy trap? Here are some tools.
What the experts say
“Envy is about wanting something you don’t have. What you may not realize is that you’re trying to get something that isn’t who you are. You have to look at your value system and your own personal needs. You have to know what you need [if you want] to be excited about life, feel secure about who you are, foster healthy relationships, feel significant, grow at a spiritual level and give back to society. If you’re not looking at your needs, the grass is always going to look greener on the other side.”
BRUNO LOGRECO, master life coach, Toronto
“Envy is defined as a feeling of discontent or covetousness. But it’s obvious that success and possessions alone do not bring happiness. In Zen practice, we seek the true basis for happiness. There is tremendous satisfaction in seeing that we are supported by the universe and are given whatever we need when we need it. Therefore, no need to envy others for what they have been given! Possessions are only ours for a certain amount of time then someone else inherits them. Fame and success are fleeting and often a mixed blessing. It’s best to focus on our own authentic presence and how we can deepen our understanding of it.”
AL RAPAPORT, director, Open Mind Zen Center, Melbourne, Florida
“Envy represents something we feel we should be recognized for or have accomplished but have not. What has the person you envy done that you have not had the time or courage to do? What is keeping you from playing a bigger game? Envy is often paired with shame and regret. We should stop wasting energy feeling badly.”
MARCIA REYNOLDS, master certified coach, Phoenix
“People usually feel envy in response to someone in their immediate social group. The emotion increases attention to the advantaged other. It also deepens our search for information about the other we remember more about people we envy. This is so we can deduce how to get that advantage for ourselves. Envy typically creates one of two behavioural responses: either a moving-up type of motivation where people try to improve themselves, or a destructive response that could include sabotaging the envied.”
SARAH HILL, professor of social and evolutionary psychology, Texas Christian University, Fort Worth
“Anybody who has the courage to face their envy is already doing well. Envy is the deepest and darkest secret, because people are ashamed to feel it and rarely reveal it. Envy grows not toward people who are at a distance but toward those closest to us whose lives we can compare with our own. It’s based on the feeling that something you should be able to get has been earned by someone else. It can make you feel like a bad person. What you want is to find a way to shift to admiration. Admiration is an expansive experience that includes others, whereas envy is isolating. Rejoice in the joys of others and they will include you in their happiness.”
JOAN LAVENDER, clinical psychologist, founder, Heal Your Envy, New York City
