So shoes turn you on more than sex itself. There’s a name for it – you’re a retifist! Honouring fellow shoe fetishist Rétif de la Bretonne, a kinky French writer from the 16th century, retifism is the umbrella term for shoe-love. Whether you admire, stroke, lick or fuck, it’s all love, baby. Maybe even truer and more lasting than the date you have lined up for V-day. Retifism inspires the same actions as adultery – lies, stealth manoeuvres and concealment. I know women – OK, I’m one – who won’t keep anything else from their mates, but ask me how much those designer heels cost and out will spurt the universal fudge “On sale.” Sure, being hot for an inanimate object is, well, unusual, but think of it this way – how much personality does a dildo have?
1. These patent leather ballet boots with ankle locks (Northbound Leather, 586 Yonge, 416-972-1037, $420) are not at all made for walking, unless of course, you’ve seriously trained in ballet. Bondage relies on trust, so make sure you feel 100-per-cent assured that whoever holds the keys to your locks won’t a) ditch out to take a long-distance call, b) think it’s funny to watch your legs turn purple, and/or c) die of a heart attack mid-hump. Get ready for the head rush.
2. Hot in a bondagey way, cool in an easy-access way, these platform spikes with Velcro closures from Else Anita (He & She, 263 & 265 Queen East, 416-594-0171, $260) pair the best of both worlds.
3. This spring the season’s it shoe is all things transparent, as shown here with these strappy patent heels with clear inserts from Rodolphe Menudier (Zola, 1726 Avenue Road, 416-783-8688, $650). The reigning lord of fashion footwear is designer Manolo Blahnik, but thanks to overexposure on Sex And The City, his name has become a noun used in even the frumpiest midwestern sets. Is there a coup on the way? My money’s on Menudier.
4. Ouch. For those who want to take their relationship with shoes to the next level, or base, these multi-tasking platform sandals (Stag Shop, 239 Yonge, 416-368-3507, $105) feature an anal-bead-shaped heel. Don’t forget the lube!
5. If we’ve learned anything from the ancient Chinese custom of foot-binding (besides the fact that some men are twisted fucks), it’s that the arch is a great alternative to pussy. Consider these metal-based wedgies with an exposed underside (Seduction, 577 Yonge, 416-966-6969, $170) crotchless panties for your peds.
His and hers
6. Want to channel Pretty Woman? Do so in these red PVC thigh-high boots (He & She, $230) that come in sizes up to 15. Wear them out and who knows, you might even make a few bucks on the way to the corner store.
7. Often called fuck-me pumps, stilettos would have a more proactive name if you could, well, be more active in them. These 6-inch patent heels (MissBehav’N, 650 Queen West, 416-866-7979, $73) – the highest you can go sans platform – change your posture, tilt your pelvis, make your calves bulge, hips sway and ass shake. All-out sex on two sticks. Too bad you can’t run and tackle your next conquest.
Lick ’em aid
8. Slaveboy Dave, the title holder of Bootblack Toronto 2004, is shown here working his bootblack magic to this pair of Dehner calfskin top-strap patrol boots with laced instep (Northbound Leather, $705). Dehners are the boot of choice for the Mounties, the hunks at West Point U.S. Military Academy and most of North America’s uniformed hotties packing heat and handcuffs. Officer, is that a taser in your pocket or are you just happy to frisk me?