“He’s a narcissist!” a woman I know was constantly saying about her ex a few years ago. She was probably right, but I was always amazed by this woman’s own level of self-absorption. And I suspected that she would be appalled at any such suggestion.
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This leads me to wonder if narcissists have any idea that they’re narcissists and, if not, how do you know if you are one? Could I be one? Doesn’t the very fact that I’m bringing this discussion around to myself perhaps mean exactly that? Uh-oh.
There are tests, like the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which offers choices like: a) the thought of ruling the world frightens the hell out of me, or b) if I ruled the world, it would be a better place.
It won’t give you a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, but it might tell you if your self-importance is getting out of hand. It all comes down to ego, something many of us need far less of.
What the experts say
“To be labelled [with] narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), you have to be diagnosed. Throwing the term around is not something I love to see. People with NPD are grandiose and think they’re gifted. They’re not empathetic. They might be materialistic, overly vain, entitled. The trait is a continuous variable. We are finding the mean level is going up in college students. We also know NPD is more common in the young. There’s a debate over whether NPD is a separate entity or simply an extension of normal narcissism. There are no good treatment outcome studies the difficulty is getting people to seek and stay in treatment. What seems to work is making those with the disorder feel connected to others.”
KEITH CAMPBELL, professor of psychology, University of Georgia, Athens, author, The Narcissism Epidemic
“Whatever is your ‘self’ doesn’t belong to you. You aren’t this independent entity that moves around in a fixed world. You are intimately part of everyone and everything you interact with. In Buddhism, you regard others as you regard yourself being altruistic isn’t a sacrifice, but self-serving. In Buddhism, there is no immutable substance that goes on forever and ever and is different from everybody else and can be called ‘you.’ To be narcissistic is to be self-defeating. It just makes you miserable.”
BRAD WARNER, Zen master, author, Sit Down And Shut Up, Santa Monica, California
“In studies, narcissists are more likely to rate themselves as leaders and to be seen as such by a group. We looked to see if narcissistic leaders are more successful and found no evidence of that in terms of performance. Narcissists can be charming and attractive. There is a time and place to take risks, and if you are in that time and place, a narcissistic leader is a good one. But they’ll also bring down a company and don’t necessarily tread with caution when they should. Men tend to score higher on narcissism. If you detect narcissism in a partner, I suggest running in the other direction. Most research shows that they cheat and are abusive, not necessarily physically but in terms of the way they make the other person feel about themselves.”
AMY BRUNELL, professor of psychology, Ohio State University, Newark
“We don’t have a good diagnostic for non-clinical narcissism. However, men who have more power tend to be more narcissistic. I think it’s learned and that there are certain personality variables that make it more likely. We have cultural permission [to be narcissistic] – you know, ‘Go for it,’ ‘Do it,’ ‘Be everything you can be.’ Parents reinforce it in their children: ‘Sure, travel 3,000 miles, live in London, whatever it takes to be a success.’ Another value might be more common in other cultures, such as family first, be here to honour and take care of each other. It’s a matter of degree. A little aggression you need at the other end of the continuum there isn’t a face you haven’t stepped on.”
PEPPER SCHWARTZ, professor of sociology, University of Washington, Seattle
