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These guys were once on top of the world. Then, Nirvana’s Nevermind came along, and the fickle mainstream trend-hoppers
turned their backs on hair metal. Excess, babes and good times were out brooding was in. After grunge came the age
of irony, when hair metal resurfaced as an amusing relic, but it was too late for most of its purveyors to regain their dignity.
Oddly, only Jon Bon Jovi – who finishes up a four-show stint at the Air Canada Centre Monday (January 30) – has come
through it all relatively unscathed, though the other guys get all the post-ironic hipster cred.
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| VINCE NEIL | DAVID LEE ROTH | BRETT MICHAELS | JON BON JOVI | |
| Top of the world |
Mötley Crüe was thebaddest-ass band of the80s. Undisputed rulers ofthe Sunset Strip, outfucking,out-fighting andout-rocking anyone andeveryone for most of thedecade. |
After major success withVan Halen, DiamondDave the acrobatic spandexclown left or gotfired in 1985 and embarkedon a holy-shitsuccessfulsolo career,shocking everyone. |
Poison got its start openingfor David Lee Roth,and climbed on top ofthe glam metal scenewith the 1986 release ofLook What The CatDragged In. Michaelswas easily the cutest boyin long hair and makeupyou ever saw. |
Somewhere betweenBruce Springsteen andSteven Tyler, America fellin love with SlipperyWhen Wet and thenNew Jersey, identifyingwith love that was likebad medicine and livin’on a prayer. |
| Finest Hour |
The motorcycles and girlsin frilly lingerie mightseem quaint and funnyby today’s standards, butin 1987 the video for GirlsGirls Girls was bannedfrom television andserved to solidify theCrüe’s danger-boy rep. |
1984’s Jump. DiamondDave the martial artsclown shows rockin’athleticprowess with leapsand leers. |
Every Rose Has Its Thorn.The video of live footageshowed Poison in theirworst moments of excessand at the height ofrock stardom. Alcoholismhas never been so sexy. |
Wanted Dead Or Alive.The utimate ballad madeBon Jovi sound toughand lovable, and since itwasn’t technically a lovesong, dudes could like it,too, without feeling likefags. |
| Rock’n’Roll catfights |
Neil’s and Tommy Lee’shate-ons for each otherbecame infamous.Kicked out of the Crüe in1994. |
Eddie Van Halen firedRoth, rehired him, thensaid, “Nuh-uhn, neverdid,” then re-rehired him,recorded some tunes,then never called. |
Tensions betweenMichaels and bandmateC.C. Deville escalated andcame to fisticuffs at theMTV Music Awards. |
Seemed to get alongwith everyone, or managedto keep bitchslapsout of the press. |
| Last time we checked he was… |
Reunited with the Crüeand getting married forthe fourth time by MCHammer, who co-‘starred’ with Neil onMTV’s Surreal Life. |
Hosting the morningshow on K-Rock. Crooningin Vegas. |
Reunited with Poison. |
Cranking out hits |
| Years since last hit |
17: 1989’s Dr. Feelgood |
20: 1986’s Eat ‘Em AndSmile |
16: 1990’s Flesh AndBlood |
One-quarter: 2005’sHave A Nice Day |
| Post-ironic hipster credibility level out of 100 |
82, based on secondlongeststint without ahit, and dropped from 90due to appearance onThe Surreal Life, which istoo post-ironic to bepost-ironic any more. |
87, based on the longeststint without a hit album,plus bonus pointsfor shows in Vegas. Scorewas unaffected by positionas morning radiohost on K-Rock. |
78, down from 85 due toa 2003 Toronto stage appearancespent shouting”Are you ready to party?”until it got really annoying. |
25. Like some cheese, BonJovi’s repertoire needstime to ripen. Only SlipperyWhen Wet and NewJersey have had ampleopportunity. |
