Rating: NNNNN
“i·dol 1) n. 1 a. An image used as an object of worship. b. A false god. 2. One that is adored, often blindly or excessively. 3. Something visible but without substance.” Fitting, isn’t it? As the extravaganza featuring American Idol winners and runners-up heads into the ACC Wednesday (July 20), we’re thinking each of them has the potential to represent a real god, albeit one of those heathen, pagan gods. Is any one of them worthy of worship? And what the hell is going on anyway when karaoke competition winners become something to look up to?
Who are they? Bo Bice This season’s runner-up. Southern, long-haired Lynyrd Skynyrd-type dude.
Actual religious affiliation Baptist
Pagan god he or she best represents Thor, Norse god of thunder. Rugged, powerful. Lives by his own rules.
From our “nobody’s perfect” file: Druggie. Arrested for cocaine possession in 2001. And again for marijuana possession in 2003.
Failing godhood, the closest thing he or she might hope to be Gregg Allman but without the brothers or the band, and hopefully the tragedy. Bon Jovi but without the incredible cuteness.
Who are they? Carrie Underwood This season’s winner. Country crooner with a heart of gold. Loves animals with a passion. Loved by old people.
Actual religious affiliation Baptist
Pagan god he or she best represents Brigit, Irish protector of animals. Goddess of poets, smithcraft and healing.
From our “nobody’s perfect” file: Okay, there’s no dirt on Carrie, which makes me really suspicious.
Failing godhood, the closest thing he or she might hope to be LeAnn Rimes at best, which isn’t necessarily bad, depending on where you live.
Who are they? Fantasia Barrino Last season’s winner. Nineteen-year-old single mom beats odds.
Actual religious affiliation Baptist
Pagan god he or she best represents Demeter, Greek, single mom of Persephone.
From our “nobody’s perfect” file: Yippee, teenagers fucking. Single mom by 19. What’s awesome is that America seemed to think that was awesome.
Failing godhood, the closest thing he or she might hope to be Queen Latifah. Trust me, she just needs a really good manager. Or maybe Oprah (ditto).
Who are they? Ruben Studdard 2003 winner. Big, fat black guy with teddy-bear smile and Luther Vandross stylings. God! Luther Vandross. Isn’t that a shame?
Actual religious affiliation Baptist
Pagan god he or she best represents Eshu, Yoruba god of beginnings, doorways and crossroads. Rules opportunity and potentiality of a situation and the risks and rewards inherent in it.
From our “nobody’s perfect” file: Litigious. Sued 205 Flava clothing manufacturers for cashing in on his image and is now suing former manager Ronald Edwards for $250,000.
Failing godhood, the closest thing he or she might hope to be Luther Vandross cover band. Sorry. And that’s such a shame, cuz he’s so cute.
Who are they? Clay Aiken 2003 runner-up, later beat Ruben on the charts. Gayest gay who ever gayed. Gay Gayerson. Gay gay gay gay gay. But don’t tell anyone.
Actual religious affiliation Baptist
Pagan god he or she best represents Dionysus, Greek god, patron of the stage. Born of man and woman and considered to be somewhere in between.
From our “nobody’s perfect” file: Clay’s favourite Bible passage is Exodus 14:14. I mean, come on! Exodus? 14:14?!! Some people!
Failing godhood, the closest thing he or she might hope to be Barry Manilow. Or Liza Minnelli. It could go either way.
Who are they? Kelly Clarkson First winner. Um, still selling all kinds of records. Weird?
Actual religious affiliation Baptis… oh! We’re not sure, actually. How did she even get in there?
Pagan god he or she best represents Fortuna, Roman goddess of luck.
From our “nobody’s perfect” file: Sold her soul to the devil at the crossroads. Kidding, kind of. But her ring tone is #10 on Virgin Mobile.
Failing godhood, the closest thing he or she might hope to be Kelly Clarkson. What is happening?!
