Dear Mayor Ford (Rob, that is, not Doug):
Hey Rob, I know we haven’t got off to the best start, what with the Naked You cover and all, but I just can’t stand here and watch you make a huge mistake.
Your Robship, you really must take part in Toronto’s immense Gay Pride parade Sunday (July 3), and it’s easy. Let me explain.
I know you want to spend time with your family – laudable for sure. Rob, there are tons of families at Pride. You have your traditions, though, and it would take a lot to convince you to bring your family in to the event. I get that your retreat near Huntsville (actually closer to Bracebridge) is the spawning ground of your family’s legacy claim on right-wing politics.
Your dad, Doug, not your co-mayor brother, was a back-back-bencher in Mike Harris’s Common Sense campaign, and I’m sure you and your bro had a great time hearing Doug Sr. and occasionally Mike Harris, who has a cottage nearby, telling tales of battling the poor and making sure they didn’t have to share the wealth over burgers, brewskis and the beach.
But Rob, you can log all the Coppertone time you need this holiday weekend and still do your duty as mayor of all the people. Go north on Friday or even Thursday and then come back for the parade. It would be so easy – the parade’s a 2 pm thing.
There’s a train out of Huntsville not too far from your cottage. I know you prefer your tracks to run underground, though, and this one, sadly, is an above-ground operation. It also doesn’t operate at times that work for you and queer quality time.
You can also score a private car and driver for a great round trip, and we know you’d love the eco-non-efficiency of one-man, one-car travel on one of the highways Harris spruced up during his otherwise slashing reign. It’s roughly a $1,000 round trip plus fuel surcharge.
That’s a two- to three-hour deal, so you probably won’t have to miss out on the peameal and eggs breakfast Sunday morning. You could make the gig and be back in cottage country in time for BBQ, charades and campfire songs. Manly ones – none of that Kumbaya crap.
But the easiest way for you to do your civic duty is to take to the air. Hell, you could even land at the Island Airport, which would make the ride even sweeter. Screw those elitist island artistes this mayor is coming in for a landing, a metaphorical belly flop if you will, in the middle of downtown.
Rob, it’s less than an hour lake to lake, and we’ve found charters ranging from $2,000 to $4,000 that will pull right up to your cottage. I know you’re a great haggler. Any guy who can get a $1,800-a-week RV like you did for your campaign for only $1,800 for four months can probably beat the prices we’ve found. I bet you could get the whole thing for under a grand return. Thirty minutes each way, 90 minutes for the parade: you won’t even miss the big frisbee golf game or the diving competition with the fam.
And with all of your family dough, the Fords could swallow this one expense and save the city the bucks. Everyone knows there’s no gravy served at a cookout.
And Rob, I know you’ve never, ever been to Pride, but dude, you don’t even have to change outfits. The float plane can pull up to your cottage and you can pile in in your swim trunks. Half the people at Pride are wearing Speedos or less, and get this – there’s a water fight. People shoot water guns at each other just like up at the lake. You could be firing super-soakers in the woods and then ripping off a few more blasts on Church Street all in the same day. And who said being mayor wasn’t going to be a bagload of fun?
C’mon, Rob, there really is no excuse. We’ll do you one better and pick up the tab. If you don’t make the time for Pride, it will be hard to resist labelling you a homophobe. Hell, even your gal pal at the Sun, Sue Ann Levy, thinks you should play gay for the day, and she helps prove that lefties don’t have a monopoly on queer. They’re everywhere, even among your supporters.
Rob, do the right, er, correct thing, for your two families, the Fords and the city.
Your servant,
Michael “Mike” Hollett
michaelh@nowtoronto.com
