What to know
- Thanksgiving can intensify feelings of loneliness or grief, even in a full house, especially if you’re dealing with loss or family disconnection.
- Leaving an empty chair or openly honouring someone who’s passed can bring comfort and acknowledge your grief.
- Open, honest conversations about pain or past conflict, ideally one-on-one, not at the dinner table, can prevent resentment and create space for healing.
- Thanksgiving isn’t just for relatives; leaning on chosen family and friends can redefine the day and offer meaningful connection if blood ties feel strained.
Thanksgiving isn’t always picture-perfect; it can bring up loneliness, grief, or family tension. Whether you’re coping with divorce, loss, or complicated relationships, a relationship expert shares advice to help you get through the holiday.
Thanksgiving can make loneliness feel even more intense, even when you’re surrounded by family, Robin Ducharme, founder and CEO of Real Love Ready, explained.
“It depends on people’s relationships with their family. If they’re not feeling close or connected to their family by blood, you can show up and be surrounded by people that you’re related to, but not feel connected — and that can feel lonely,” she told Now Toronto.
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‘Why not have an empty chair there to honour that person’: How to make the festivities a little easier for those dealing with loss
Ducharme says she also practices leaving an empty chair in her personal life after her mom’s passing.
“We set the table; my family and I were celebrating our togetherness as a family, but we were also celebrating my mom,” she explained. “That’s such a beautiful honouring of the love you have for that person. That’s just a way to celebrate the person that’s no longer with you in physical form.”
What about navigating divorce?
Ducharme suggests sharing your pain in an honest conversation, and those around you can support you.
“Being able to share our hearts and our pain with each other, we can be thankful for those that are with us, and also thankful for the support and the love that we need during our hard times,” she explained.
‘Emotional thorns’: Recognizing and moving on from painful memories at the table
Ducharme says it’s easy to slip into old childhood roles at the table, even as adults. In a conversation with Dr. Laura Berman, Ducharme learned about emotional thorns — painful places, memories and experiences that can trigger a response much like a physical thorn.
“If you touch those tiny thorns, you’re going to feel the poke. It’s like an old experience that you’re kind of reliving with the people that you’ve known, your family,” Ducharme told Now Toronto.
When that happens, she says it’s like falling back into old patterns and wounds.
To avoid slipping into those wounds, Ducharme recommends listening to yourself and recognizing that your reaction might just be residue from an old experience. By being aware of this, you can improve your behaviour and turn the bitter pattern into a pleasurable Thanksgiving experience.
If you have unresolved tension with a relative you’re going to be sitting across from, keep in mind how you want to show up: are you taking their bait?
So, Ducharme suggests engaging in conversations with others instead.
She also adds that you cannot keep waiting for an apology, and it’s best to move on for your own sake rather than hold on to resentment.
“Life gives us so many experiences with people where we’re not going to get a sorry. We’re not going to get accountability. We’re not going to get an apology, and that in itself can really fester and just make us resentful. And how is that serving us?” Ducharme questioned.
So she says, “Let go for yourself, and your closure is in their behaviour.”
‘Do it one-on-one’: How to avoid publicly fighting at the Thanksgiving table
If something hurtful is said during the Thanksgiving dinner itself and you want to avoid starting a fight at the table, Ducharme says to share your hurt and suggest a private conversation after dinner.
“You want to do it one-on-one, not in front of other people, because there’s like humiliation involved,” Ducharme explained.
“You’re making a request for them to behave differently. Whether they do it or not is not up to you, right? But at least you’re sharing your heart and your openness and your curiosity, and that’s your 50 per cent, right?” she added.
‘Creating openness and clarity’: Ducharme suggests doing a check-in with everyone at the table
Before sharing what you’re grateful for around the table, Ducharme suggests checking in with your loved ones.
“It’s just creating openness and clarity around your relationship,” she explained.
Ask how they’re doing, whether any behaviour is hurting them, and share what you’re grateful for with each other.
Ducharme says this open conversation also helps prevent future arguments.
“If you’re carrying around resentments, if you’ve got things that are bothering you, as hard as those conversations are to have, they’re just really important so you can have a clear relationship,” she said.
Celebrate Thanksgiving with your chosen family
Ducharme says celebrating Thanksgiving isn’t limited to family members; it can include chosen family or friends too.
“Thanksgiving can look different for everybody, but it’s really about leaning on and connecting with people that are around us,” Ducharme explained.
So, she encourages Friendsgiving: a Thanksgiving celebration with friends, for those who wish to do so.
