The sex survey results came out last week, and what did we learn, class? That very few of you enjoy being pissed on and a surprising number, approximately one-third, are total sluts who can't recall the names of everyone you've slept with. You all love to brag about how wild your sex lives are over Jäger shots at the Bovine. But how wild are you really? How do NOW readers stack up against the countless other species with whom we share the planet?
You described your sexuality in a variety of ways, but most were pretty settled on the subject of gender, checking in with either male or female. Many species of worm, however, and all forms of land slugs as well as some molluscs are hermaphrodites. And it's so common that nobody gets picked on in the locker room at school. This seems to me like an ideal existence. Both male and female genitals is right up there on my wish list, right next to a PlayStation 2 and the ability to make my eyes glow red at will.
What you want is "more sex." Women have a much easier time getting some than men do, which is why some male worms, when they can't get lucky, simply change into females. This ups their chances, since it's a well-known fact that a male worm will sleep with any woman for a drink and a plate of nachos.
Oysters switch from male to female, then back again, with startling frequency. This sounds cool in theory, but there would be consequences to consider in human society - the expense of maintaining two wardrobes, for example.
Some of you are gay. Some animals are also gay (about the same percentage, according to a few sources).
Homosexual activity has been observed in dolphins, ostriches, walruses, elephants, geese, giraffes, bonobos and baboons, to name a few species. Elephants use their trunks to do it, and dolphins their blowholes. Male geese have been observed to form lifelong homosexual partnerships. Homosexuality is common among both male and female baboons and, of course, the bonobo or pygmy chimp, which is humankind's closest relative (and an endangered species). These little dudes engage in oral sex, masturbation, incest, group sex and French kissing, and generally engage in some kind of sexual activity at least once a day, if not several times a day. If you were a bonobo you'd probably be fucking right now. But you're not.
Oral sex isn't limited to primates. Even the fruit fly licks pussy, using his foot, in which his taste organs are located, a fact you can use as an icebreaker at parties along with "Did you know porcupines masturbate?" They do, by rubbing sticks between their legs; sex toys aren't for humans alone.
Group sex is also common among snails, tree frogs and cetaceans such as the porpoise. According to world-sex-records.com, grey whales also enjoy the occasional orgy, which is very difficult to picture. Try it. See?
Most of you men are happy with the size of your penises, which is nice. Blue whales have penises about 10 feet long, while the barnacle's member, at up to 20 times the length of its body, is proportionately the largest in the animal kingdom. That's just crazy.
A pig penis is shaped like a corkscrew. The Komodo dragon has two. Cockroaches have several and can engage in coitus for several hours.
That's in one shot. The lion and lioness have been observed copulating 157 times in 55 hours, while a Shaw's jird, a form of desert rat, has been observed having sex 244 times in two hours.
Some of your sex accidents were pretty bad, but at least you didn't get your head eaten by your partner like the male praying mantis. And does he whine? No. Even if his lover eats his head prematurely, his headless body goes right on and finishes the deed before he dies. And consider the poor male honey bee, whose penis snaps off after sex and remains in the queen bee as a plug to keep the sperm from leaking out. He then bleeds to death. Human guys have it way easy.
And a surprisingly large number of you are in long-term relationships and have been for at least a year.
I don't know why I find this surprising. I guess I thought there were more single people out there, considering how often I get hit on. This means that you're all racking your brains to come up with a romantic but not cheesy or clichéd gift for Valentine's Day. Animals, too, present love offerings, though they're not limited to one day of the year. Male spiders might present an insect (and, yes, their own lives after the fact, as is sometimes but not always the case with black widows and wolf spiders).
The male bowerbird may spend weeks or even months building an attractively decorated bower (hence its name) to attract a female, while the Adelie penguin will present the object of his affections with pebbles. Females are not usually expected to give gifts.
Most of us probably wouldn't mind if you built us a house, but you shouldn't try to get away with pebbles or insects. Unless, of course you have two penises.
Otherwise, we might eat your head.
Main Source: Wild Sex: Way Beyond The Birds And The Bees, by Susan Windybanks (St. Martin's Press)