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Carey Gray: Trans man, owner of Aslan Leather

My body has been a central focus of my life. It’s now very masculine, and that’s how I’ve always wanted it.

It started when I was really little. I always felt like a boy – I remember people thinking I was a boy. When I grew up and hit puberty, I realized I wasn’t going to be a boy, and that was disappointing.

I came out as a lesbian and tried to accept my body and what I had. My first girlfriend was woman-identified and always wanted me to celebrate my femininity, which was hard.

When we split up, I bought a leather jacket and decided to be a dyke. Queer culture in the 80s was open, and I could be androgynous – my masculinity was accepted, and I was butch dyke. I did a lot of exercise and worked out to masculinize my body. That was fine until I got into my late 30s, when things started to change – a lot of people transitioning.

I was letting my body be my natural body. I have a lot of natural testosterone, so people thought I was already transitioning. When my menopause was done at age 49 and the estrogen left my body, I realized I had to transition.

The first step was to get on testosterone. I went to the Gender Journeys program at Sherbourne Health Centre and got testosterone in 2012. Then I had chest surgery.

Transitioning is not easy. Though the hormones are great – I started growing more hair, my body was changing, and the estrogen fat was starting to disappear – I was also going through a second puberty. Being a 50-year-old man and feeling like an awkward teenaged boy was hard. The chest surgery was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.

I questioned myself, but there’s a lot of support if you reach out. Guys, especially older men, have a tendency to feel like they can do everything on their own. It’s not an easy journey.

If you’re considering transitioning, make sure you ask for help. In the early 2000s I was thinking of transitioning and changed my mind because two trans people I knew killed themselves.

The tattoo of a lion on my left arm represents my sex shop company, and there’s a single-tail whip and my knife, which represent pushing boundaries because I’m into BDSM.

The line around my torso represents my engagement ring.

My brown skin is hugely important. It was a slap in the face realizing that I was different. People asking where you’re from reinforces the reality of racism, because if you don’t look white you have to be from somewhere else.

I love my body because it’s exactly how I want it to look. I love the way my body feels when I’m working out – my prominent muscles are strong and healthy, my chest is flat, I have no hips.

It’s my house. I’m going to be living in it for the rest of my life, and I love taking care of it. It gives me a lot of joy.

aslanleather.com | @aslanleatherfacebook.com/careygray

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