Toronto locals weigh in on whether it’s embarrassing to see someone you know on a dating app

For this edition of This is Dating Now, we asked Torontonians: Is it embarrassing when someone you know stumbles on your dating profile, or when you spot someone you recognize? And what people had to say may surprise you. 

Your friend texts you a screenshot of your own dating profile. Do you laugh it off, cringe in embarrassment, or delete your profile? In a city where everyone seems to be swiping, it’s not uncommon to find people you know on the apps.

Over the past decade, online dating has been about disclosure and visibility. But public profiles and shared screenshots breach daters’ privacy, Dr. Tammy Nelson, Sex and Relationship Expert and Consultant for Ashley Madison, a dating site for “discreet connections”, explained.

Ashley Madison data reveals 41 per cent of male and female members prioritize privacy in their digital footprint — but it’s hard to achieve when public profiles are easily accessible to friends and family.

Locals share their take on having a dating profile discovered by loved one

Some people are unfazed by the idea of someone they know finding them on a dating app. Toronto resident Naeff W. says he embraces the process behind dating apps, profile included.

“I’m quite unapologetic about these things. That’s usually how people meet; I see some of my coworkers on dating profiles all the time. I don’t think it’s embarrassing now,” he told This is Dating Now.

“It’s become like an Instagram or Facebook feed now. People just review, browse. It’s like shopping,” Naeff joked.

Toronto resident Jake B. says he goes on dating apps with friends, so inevitably, they see his profile.

“We already go on the app together, so most of my friends have already seen my profile, so it’s totally fine,” he said.

Jake emphasized that dating apps are so prominent in modern dating that he believes it’s less stigmatized.

“Most single people are on dating apps, so it’s kind of the norm. I think it’s all in good fun,” he said.

Toronto resident Lydia A. says it can be embarrassing — depending on who views her profile.

“If it’s my big brother, for example, that could be embarrassing. But if they are friends, I don’t care,” she said.

Lydia says she’s previously seen her friends’ dating profiles and sent a screenshot to them, and they laughed together.

Why do some people find it embarrassing? An expert tells all

So why is it that some people feel embarrassed at the idea of their friends, family, or colleagues coming across their dating profile? Nelson explained that what was once a popular trend of sharing dating experiences online and thrashing first dates has since calmed down.

“I think we’re shifting away from that because people don’t want their whole reputation discussed and worked on,” she explained.

Nelson added that having someone you know share or view your profile can feel like a violation of privacy. But the reason why is interesting.  

“This is sort of a controversial thing to say, but we don’t necessarily look for someone else when we’re dating; we look to be someone else,” Nelson explained.

This means that sometimes, instead of creating a profile that accurately represents who they are, some people create profiles more representative of who they want to be.

“You think you’re telling people who you are, but you’re like, ‘I want to be this next person where I’m like clever and charming and lovable, and I’m going to live this next life with this next person.’ So you’re developing your persona as you go along,” she explained.

Nelson explained that this becomes problematic when someone you know sees that profile, they can get second-hand embarrassment or even not recognize the person.

She added that looking for a relationship in itself can sometimes be seen as embarrassing, or as a lack of independence. Many feel embarrassed and fear judgment or criticism for putting themselves out there and seeking a romantic connection.

“We have this cultural construct that you’re supposed to be okay with just being single. If you’re out there searching and wanting, it can imply you’re needy,” Nelson shared.

Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.