Im a 22-year-old straight male dating a 23-year-old woman. This is by far the most sexual relationship Ive been in, which is great, except one part is freaking me out: I recently caught my girlfriend masturbating with her roommates panties. (She knew I was coming over and wanted me to catch her.) It turns out she has a habit of sneaking her roommates worn underwear, masturbating while smelling them (or putting them in her mouth), and then sneaking them back into her roommates laundry basket. She has also used her roommates vibrator and dry-humped her pillow to orgasm. I got turned on hearing about all this, and she jerked me off with her roommates panties. My girlfriend says she gets turned on being naughty and most of her fantasies involve being her roommates sex slave, me fucking the roommate while my GF is tied up, etc. Our sex life now revolves around the roommate my GF has stolen a few more pairs of panties and even worn them while I fucked her, and her dirty talk is now almost entirely about her roommate. This turns me on, so I dont really want it to stop, but my questions are: (1) Is this bad? (2) Is this normal? Were conditioned to believe women are less kinky and less sexual than men, and I dont want to buy into that. My girlfriend says she isnt that weird. I dont know what to think.
Theres No Acronym For This
1. Its bad.
2. When it comes to human sexuality, TNAFT, variance is the norm. Which means freakiness/naughtiness/kinkiness is normal science backs me up on this and, yes, lots of women have high libidos and lots are kinky. Your email came sandwiched between a question from a woman who needs sex daily (and foolishly married a man with a very low libido*) and a question from a woman who is into BDSM (and wisely held out for a GGG guy whos getting better at bondage but cant bring himself to inflict the erotic/consensual pain she craves**).
But variance is the norm doesnt get your girlfriend off the hook or you, TNAFT. You and your girlfriend are both violating this poor womans privacy, potentially her health (unless your girlfriend is sterilizing her roommates vibrator after using it), and perhaps most importantly her trust. Honouring each others privacy and showing mutual respect for each others belongings are the social norms that make it possible for unrelated/unfucking adults to share a living space. We trust our roommates not to steal money out of our purses, eat our peanut butter, use our toothbrushes, etc. And even if your roommate never catches you, its still not okay to use their fucking toothbrush. It should go without saying that we trust our roommates not to shove our dirty panties into their mouths, use our sex toys, hump our pillows, etc. We cant control who fantasizes about us people can fantasize about whomever they care to but we have an absolute right to control who handles our dirty underpants. (My god, think of all the times youve run out of clean underwear and fished a dirty pair out of the laundry and worn them a second time!)
Your girlfriend should make an honest, respectful, naughty pass at her roommate. And who knows? Maybe her roommate is just as pervy as you two are and would jump at the chance to have a sex slave and full use of her roommate/sex slaves boyfriend in exchange for a few dirty panties. Or maybe shed like to move.
Im a six-months-pregnant woman in a wonderful relationship. My sex drive has skyrocketed, and I get uncomfortably horny at random times. I work at a preschool and have gone into the one-person locked bathroom during my break for a quick rubout. Is this wrong? It takes me one minute to come and Im totally silent. But Im at a preschool and there are little kids on the other side of that door. Thoughts?
Knocked Up And Horny
Youre doing nothing wrong and pretty soon youll be having sex in your home while your kid sleeps or plays on the other side of your bedroom door, KUAH, so you might as well get some practice in. And if you dont want a kid walking in on you at home, either (and you definitely dont), put a lock on your bedroom door.
I am a 29-year-old woman and getting married to my boyfriend of four years, Adam, in a few months. Relationship is great, sex is fantastic, no complaints. So why am I writing? Adams best friend, Steve, was his roommate in college, and Adam recently revealed that he and Steve used to masturbate together. I have no idea what to make of this. I dont think Adam is gay and I dont think Steve is either. Maybe theyre heteroflexible? But is it common for straight guys to masturbate together? Also, why is he just telling me this now, after weve been together for four years? Im not sure how I should act around Steve. He hangs out with us a lot. Help!
Seeking To Evaluate Very Explosive Disclosure
Buddy-bating among straight guys is more common than people may think, said Trey Lyon of Fuck Yeah! Friendly Fire, the definitive source for straightish porn. Lyons website FYFriendlyFire.com features porn of the heteroflexible/almost bi variety, i.e., two guys who arent afraid theyll melt if their dicks touch while theyre having sex with the same woman. Lyons website has more than 200,000 followers and hes heard from lots of straight/straightish guys who masturbate with read: beside their straight/straightish male buddies. Lyon doesnt have hard data for you, STEVED, only anecdotal, but its safe to say your fiance isnt the only straight/straightish guy out there whos done a little buddy-bating.
So why do straight/straightish guys do this?
In her controversial 2015 book Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men, author Jane Ward asserts that sexual interaction between straight white men allows them to leverage whiteness and masculinity to authenticate their heterosexuality in the context of sex with men, said Lyon. That by understanding their same-sex sexual interaction as meaningless, accidental, or even necessary, straight white men can homosexually engage in heterosexual ways. As a non-white guy myself, it is my hallucination that the same might be the case across racial lines as well at least when it comes to dudes jerking off together.
Im going to break in here for a moment: I think Wards book is bullshit at least when shes talking about men who have anal/oral sex with other men on the regular and without a female chaperone. While I believe a guy can have a same-sex experience without having to identify as gay or bi straight men should have the same latitude on this score that straight women enjoy straightness is so valued (and apparently so vulnerable) that some people can look at guys who put dicks in their mouths at regular intervals and construct book-length rationalizations that allow these guys to avoid identifying or being labeled as bi, gay or queer. (And if sucking dick allows straight men to authenticate their heterosexuality, wouldnt there be gay men out there eating pussy to authenticate their homosexuality?)
Back to Lyon…
A lot of the straight guys who reach out to me mention that they enjoy bonding in a masculine albeit sexual way with another guy, while also still only being responsible for getting themselves off, said Lyon. And sharing a moment of vulnerability in this way with another guy strengthens their friendship. STEVEDs boyfriend may be mentioning this now because its not something he feels he should be ashamed of, its something well-integrated into his sexuality and orientation, and he feels it is important to be open with his fiancee. Wait, whats the problem again?
* Divorce and start over.
** Keep talking, baby steps. But if he cant, he cant. Tops get to have limits, too.
On the Lovecast, sex-toy review with Erika Moen: savagelovecast.com.
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