From tipping well to talking about Muppets: Torontonians reveal their biggest non-sexual turn ons

Have you ever felt oddly attracted to someone just because they held the door or were kind to a stranger?

In a city where dating can often feel rushed or transactional, small gestures are standing out more than ever. Acts of care and thoughtfulness are becoming powerful non-sexual turn-ons for many Torontonians.

For this edition of This Is Dating Now, Now Toronto asked Torontonians what is their biggest non-sexual turn-on.

Here’s what Torontonians think

A Toronto resident, Kali, shared that she loves someone with special interests. “When someone’s a big dork, I need to have them immediately,” she said. For her, a dork means a short gentleman who will talk her ear off about Muppets, ocean creatures or any passion of theirs. She intensely told the camera, “What are your passions? Because my passion is your passion.”

Relationship and Communication Facilitator Laira Thomas explained that non-sexual turn-ons can translate into liking someone’s personality. “When you connect with other people, you get an opportunity to relate to them. And so there is something really comforting about recognizing yourself and other people, or recognizing how you feel about yourself when you’re around other people,” she said.

Another Toronto resident, Willian, shared his non-sexual turn on is humour. “When someone is funny, it’s small, but it’s something that I really appreciate.” He told Now Toronto that his girlfriend made jokes since the first day they met, and that instantly caught his interest. He laughed that later in his relationship, “She was visiting me in my apartment and was joking I didn’t have coffee at home… in a way that I really like. Being kind of picky, but it was funny.”

It’s important to build an intellectual connection, Thomas shared. “Driven in the world that we live in, where you see pictures and you swipe, swipe, swipe – [a non-sexual turn on is about finding] the moment where you actually start to build a connection with each other in a way that’s emotionally driven, learning about each other, connecting,” she said.

“A non sexual turn on is about building safety. It’s about building trust. It’s about mental stimulation. It’s about building a deeper level of intimacy,” Thomas told Now Toronto.

Toronto resident Amy echoed this sentiment, “When people are being really nice to the wait staff… I guess it’s kind of like it should happen, but also it’s nice to see.” She loves seeing a partner tip, too. She experiences this non-sexual turn on in real life, too, “My boyfriend definitely does that,” she happily added.

Thomas explained that being nice to the waiter fosters a sense of safety and a non-physical connection. But what’s most important is to feel good about yourself with the other person, to laugh, feel pretty, smart and entertained. “You feel connected if somebody is nice to a waiter. That’s a turn on because it feels good to be around that person.” She continued, “You don’t want to feel uncomfortable in your situation or in your own space when somebody’s not being nice to a waiter.”

Kind gestures resonate with Torontonian Mamie, too; that’s her non-sexual turn on. She values how someone interacts with family members because, as she believes, it’s an indicator of their personality. “If any person does that without being conscious, it’s even nicer because they’re doing that consistently as part of their daily life. So it’s not like they are showing off to you [that they’re nice.] They’re just doing it like, every day. That’s just pretty nice to see,” she said.

Thomas echoed that kind gestures can definitely be a non-sexual turn-on. “Somebody who’s handy and can change a light bulb or fix the handle on your door… or doors being opened, just that old chivalry as well is something that’s a non-sexual turn on – especially now because it’s lost in a lot of people,” she said.

Non-sexual turn-ons can also stem from love languages, Thomas explained. “People who like words of affirmation or [those] who are service driven… [these are] different ways that people need to feel validation, connections, stimulations. That’s all stuff that happens in a non-physical, non-sexual way that builds deeper connection and intimacy.”

How do non-sexual turn-ons translate into physical intimacy?

There are two types of sexual desires, Thomas explained. Some people are responsive, meaning they need a “wind-up” to be turned on. “It isn’t just like foreplay and physical attention… Some people want to be like wine-and-dined. They need to be relaxed.” Thomas said that some people need to be connected and feel comfortable before being turned on. “When you relax mentally, your body is more physically relaxed. When all of those things are combined, you’re much more open to wanting to be physically connected. And so for those people, that’s a responsive desire.”

On the other hand, some people have a more spontaneous desire. “For some people it can be like, ‘oh, he was nice to the waiter,’ then boom, they’re ready [for sex.]”

Why is a non-sexual relationship important?

Thomas explained that modern dating culture often undervalues non-sexual turn-ons, especially on looks-driven apps. She clarified, “It’s not about how many boxes you check off or if you’re physically attractive to me. That’s never going to work.” She emphasized that attraction can grow as you spend time together and get to know someone, noting that it’s really about the vibe and the romance that develops.

“Dating so many years ago was called courting for a reason,” she said.

She highlighted the importance of keeping building that type of non-sexual relationship when you’re dating or if you’ve been together for decades. “It’s something we have to continue to work on and continue to do. And because we change so much as we grow individually and together in relationships, you have to keep altering what that looks like.”

​Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.