With many apps to scroll through, events to attend, and ‘third places’ to discover, finding a partner or romantic interest can be tough. But when it comes to truly falling for someone, it is the deeper qualities beneath the surface that make all the difference.
For the latest edition of This is Dating Now, and in the spirit of the yellow, orange, and red season, we hit the pavement to ask: what qualities make you fall for someone?
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Toronto local Aarthie S. says that gentleness and kindness are the initial factors that draw her to someone she is exploring romantically, but it is their distinctive quirks, hobbies, and those core qualities that truly allow her to fall.
“If they have special interests, those are really cute. I like to hear about people’s special interests, so, I think those are the main things that make me fall for someone at first.”
Bridget O. echoes Aarthie S.’s sentiments, emphasizing that kindness is crucial, particularly toward those who are not part of the emerging relationship.
“Not only me, but others around them…Because it says a lot about their character.”
For Torontonian Lazaro S., falling in love with someone is about bonding, building a strong foundation, and having a desire to become better together.
“I feel like you need to feel the connection with other people. It needs to make you grow as a person.”
Danielle P. says that one of the qualities that draws her to someone is how deeply they value family.
“I think it just says a lot about them as a person. I’m also very family oriented, so I think it’ll just be a good fit.”
For local Vanessa M., humour is a standout quality and a key ingredient in what makes her fall in love, though she adds that it is something more considerate that draws her in the most.
“I think if someone’s willing to be selfless, I think that shows them, or shows me, how I’ll be treated, and based on how they treat other people, that’s amazing.”
TRENDS AND GENDER DIFFERENCES IN FALLING
M.A. Registered Psychotherapist Parisa Ghanbari, who runs the Toronto-based couples therapy practice Parisa Counselling, says there are distinct trends in gender differences when it comes to discovering what makes someone easier to fall for, with men and women often seeking different criteria, mainly revolving around personality and physical traits.
“What I’m talking about here, is mostly about like females, what they’re typically attracted to. So, what I find is that a lot of times traits like confidence, finding someone who’s ambitious, smart, someone who has a good sense of humor, and who’s attentive early in dating. Those are some of the traits that make someone super attractive.”
She notes that in her therapy practice, many women prioritize personality traits over physical attributes, while more men show a different pattern of interest in the latter.
“Women tend to mention this more versus men. A lot of times their [men’s] one and only criteria is that she was attractive, and that we had great physical chemistry. So yeah, I’m sure these traits are still desirable in any person, but maybe women value these traits in a man if they see it more so than men do.”
While it is common for men to begin their “falling process” by assessing the physical attributes and chemistry, Ghanbari says it is also important for them to feel appreciated, seen, and valued as a hero to their partner. Additionally, they may seek a partner or romantic interest who embodies independence, strength, and, importantly, a good sense of humour.
Despite common gender differences, Ghanbari says attraction varies from person to person, and their needs will reflect these differences.
“For someone, let’s say who’s anxious, who feels insecure in their life, having a confident partner makes them feel secure.”
“For another person, it may be that having a confident partner, they feel like their status in society is elevated. So, if I have a partner who’s confident and I’m not socially equipped or as good as desirable being with them, it just enhances my status. Also, if it’s ambitiousness, it might be that you want to feel intellectually stimulated in your connection.”
According to Ghanbari, it is crucial for anyone navigating the dating scene to dig deeper and assess the reasons they are drawn to certain traits, paying close attention to what feelings they evoke, and how that person’s presence may enhance their life and sense of self.
“So, what am I missing in my life, and what would their addition to my life make me?”
EXPERT TIPS ON WHAT TO LOOK FOR WHEN FALLING FOR SOMEONE
While turning inward and reflecting on how certain qualities make them feel is essential to the dating process, Ghanbari emphasizes the importance of avoiding overanalyzing your romantic partner and instead focusing on identifying which qualities make you feel most cared for.
“I know a lot of times we focus on traits in the other partner. ‘I want a partner whose kind, gentle, caring,’ but a lot of times you can’t really discern this by just analyzing the other person. But I think what would help if you wanted to discern if this partner is truly caring and kind is to see if you feel actually cared for in the relationship. So how do they make you feel? Do they make you feel cared for? Do they make you feel valued over time as you’re getting to know them? Do you feel like you’re important to them and that you’re a priority?”
Ghanbari also emphasizes the importance of emotional and general safety when vetting a romantic interest or partner, along with feeling prioritized, unjudged, and understood. She says that the initial, surface-level traits that draw someone in may not be enough to sustain a healthy relationship.
“A lot of people mistake [traits like] that ambitiousness and confidence, like they fall for it, and later they find out, ‘Oh, that confidence or overconfidence came from this person having narcissistic traits,’ or ‘they can do highly of themselves, and, so, a lot of people do fall for narcissists just because of that fact.”
