What is chivalry to you? Is it receiving a bouquet of just-because flowers? Is it helping someone carry heavy bags to lighten their load?
Regardless of how you view it, the concept of chivalry, once revered as a code for honourable knights and centuries later, courteous behaviour and romantic gestures, has become an important quality in modern dating.
Depending on who you ask, it’s either a charming expression of compassion or a symbol of gender roles that no longer fit in today’s ever-changing society. In our current dating culture, shaped by feminism, dating apps, and shifting expectations, some say the meaning of chivalry is anything but clear. Opinions are varied across the city, where locals say that men have completely lost the plot, while others argue chivalry goes far beyond heteronormative values.
In the latest edition of This Is Dating Now, everyday Torontonians and experts shared their views of what chivalry looks like today, and how the term is redefining intimacy, effort, and etiquette.
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TORONTONIANS EXPRESS MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT CHIVALRY TODAY
Toronto resident Amber Z. says chivalry isn’t dead, but it is on life support. In her experience, she says about 80 per cent of men aren’t even doing the bare minimum.
“[They’re not] being polite and respectful to women as they should… not being very considerate,” she explained to Now Toronto.
Amber said that she’d love to see more everyday acts of selflessness from men, from being more willing to pay on dates to simply buying flowers. But she also stresses that being chivalrous doesn’t have to be romantic at all, and it definitely shouldn’t come with any strings attached.
“Just because a woman is being nice to a man doesn’t mean we like you… we’re not like hitting on you. I think more men should be aware of that,” she said.
But not everyone is ready to write off romance. For Allana S., she says chivalry is “absolutely not” dead, and is optimistic about its place in modern dating.
“I’d love for someone to sweep me off my feet,” she smiled.
While Allana says she hasn’t been on the receiving end of many chivalrous acts lately, she believes that the potential is still out there.
“I think holding a door open. If someone asks you on a date and actually plans the date, I think that’s pretty chivalrous,” she explained.
For Jaan A., he describes chivalry as “alive and well,” and says he makes a conscious effort to keep it that way.
“I open doors, try to be nice to people, listen to what they have to say,” he said.
Jaan acknowledges the criticism many women have about the decline of chivalrous behaviour, but sees it as an opportunity for other men to step up in small but meaningful ways: walking on the side of the sidewalk closest to traffic, opening doors, and most importantly, being a good listener.
“Maybe it’s a little less than it was before, back in the day,” he admitted. “But I think it’s trying to come back, and I think people should try to be more chivalrous.”
Jessica Z., who’s in a loving relationship, is firm in her belief: chivalry is not dead at all. She describes her boyfriend as someone who consistently shows up for her in thoughtful, everyday ways: picking her up, making sure she’s eaten, and going out of his way to support her – no questions asked.
“Anything I need, he just kind of drops everything to do it for me,” she said. “I love that.”
Admittedly, she says not everyone is as lucky, as she’s seen the shift in dating culture firsthand.
“I think the streets are pretty cold to be honest,” she said. “Men are in their soft era these days… they’re not really trying as hard anymore.”
SO, WHAT’S THE VERDICT – IS CHIVALRY DEAD OR NOT?
The wide range of personal experiences between locals reflect Toronto-based sexologist and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast Jess O’Reilly’s (PhD) perspective, which is that chivalry is not dead, but evolving. She says acts of service, which have been looked at as gendered for a long time are now being reframed, and now flow both ways rather than expectations resting on one lone partner.
“If we consider relationship trends like ‘Princess Treatment’ and ‘King Treatment,’ we see that dating isn’t strictly about rigid gender roles. It can be about mutual effort, respect, attunement and care,” she said to Now Toronto in an email statement.
She adds that acts of chivalry are shaped by culture, gender, race, class, and sexuality. “True modern chivalry means awareness and recognizing those dynamics so we can choose gestures that empower rather than perform,” she said.
O’Reilly emphasizes that when chivalry is seen less as a checklist of actions and more as simply showing up for one another, it becomes far more meaningful and enduring.
“Kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity cannot go out of style when done with care,” she said.
Building on the idea of chivalry’s evolution, University of Toronto Associate Professor in Sociology Judith Taylor echoed a similar view, urging people to unlearn the traditional and often media-driven ideas of the concept. She points to clichés, like men placing their coats over puddles for women to walk over or constantly footing the bill on dates, as outdated and unfair expectations, stressing instead that chivalry should be understood as a genderless concept.
“I can’t say that I love that original notion [of chivalry]… but thinking about being able to lift something for someone, or open a door for someone, I think that’s a really beautiful concept,” she explained. “It’s exciting to think that it doesn’t have a gender.”
Taylor believes that while chivalry may be lost in its old form, it has the potential to be rediscovered in a modern context. For her, it means a commitment to respect and active listening. She suggests that early dates should be simple and low-cost, like meeting for something under $5 in a public space, and emphasize meaningful questions that reveal values and interests.
But beyond romance, she challenges Torontonians to adopt chivalrous behaviours in daily life.
“Try opening the door for people at the pharmacy. Try packing an extra sandwich for someone that you work with. These kinds of things can really go a tremendous distance. And the most important thing is that when we start doing it for others, we get a sense of what we want others to do for us,” she explained.
“I think if we operate in our lives in chivalrous ways, and each of us tasks ourselves with that, we’ll feel really good,” she added.
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
