What to know
- The “h*e phase” is a social label often rooted in stigma, but some daters and experts say it’s simply a phase of sexual exploration.
- Many Torontonians believe people can leave their “h*e phase” for the right person or when they’re truly ready for commitment.
- Not everyone thinks a “h*e phase” is necessary before settling down; what matters most is individual choice.
- Trusting someone after their “h*e phase” comes down to honest conversations and personal judgment, say both locals and an expert.
Everyone wants to be the one who makes a heartbreaker change their ways, but is it really possible for someone to leave their “h*e phase”?
The term “h*e phase” is a social label, even slang, relationship and communication facilitator Laira Thomas told This is Dating Now. “The truth is, it’s really derogatory, right? It comes from the word “whore” in general.”
But Thomas is reclaiming the word, saying that to her, a “h*e” is just someone who is sexually active and open to having many partners.
Every main character in movies loves to believe that they can “change” someone, or the heartbreaker believes they can change for a significant other.
So, for this edition of This is Dating Now, we asked Torontonians whether they believe someone can get over their “h*e phase” to enter a serious relationship.
Do Torontonians believe people in their “h*e phase” can change for someone else?
Toronto resident Alivia S. believes that daters can leave their “h*e phase,” as long as it’s “for the right person.”
“I know a lot of people that have [ended their ‘h*e phase’] and that are successful,” Alivia told Now Toronto, explaining that it was a situation of them ending this phase of their life to pursue a committed relationship
Toronto resident Xavier M. agrees, saying, “If you really, truly like this person, you can definitely give up your ‘h*e phase’.”
Though he added he doesn’t really believe in the term “h*e phase.”
“I do think people go through phases of like seeing different people, but I wouldn’t consider it a ‘hoe phase,’ but I would 100 per cent say that if you did have a phase like that, if you meet the right person, you can for sure get rid of the ‘h*e phase,’” Xavier told Now Toronto.
Xavier shared that he has ended a similar chapter of his life after meeting the right person.
Toronto resident Cheryl G. explained that she believes someone can make the shift into a serious relationship “if they work on themselves.”
“It’s more of an internal thing rather than for someone else,” Cheryl told Now Toronto. “You should never chase external validation from other people.”
She suggested therapy can help sort through these issues.
Thomas believes someone can absolutely leave their “h*e phase” for a serious relationship.
“It’s a behaviour that you choose,” he told Now Toronto. “For some people, they are enjoying their life. They’re single, and that’s a part of dating, and there’s nothing wrong with that. And when they meet someone, and they realize that that’s where they want to move forward and spend their time, then they’ve decided to be in a monogamous relationship.”
Is a “h*e phase” needed before settling down?
Xavier believes that for some people, it could be a need, but it varies by person.
“Different people will bring different experiences. I don’t think it’s necessary to have a ‘h*e phase.’ I think people or social media have really pushed on that, but I don’t think you need it to settle down,” he said.
Cheryl believes people should do what feels right for them.
“But I don’t think it’s like a guideline or a playbook that everyone should try,” she said. “So ultimately, it depends on the person. I think, if it’s right for you, why not?”
Thomas believes it depends on the person, but it’s not a must-have.
“If you find a partner that you want to spend your time and the rest of your life with, then it isn’t something you need to get out of your system,” she said.
How can you trust that someone is genuine after leaving their “h*e phase”?
Xavier believes that “if they’re over it, then they’re over it.”
But ultimately, it’s up to them to show if they’ll be trustworthy or not.
“Fool me once, fool me twice, it’s just not happening,” Xavier said.
Cheryl, on the other hand, said, “You can tell.”
“It ultimately depends on your own reading of the person… I think your own judgement is best,” she told Now Toronto.
Thomas added that it’s all about a conversation. Some might not want to share their history, and some might, but ultimately, “time will tell.”
“You have to have trust and faith in the person that you’re having the relationship with, that what they’re saying is honest and genuine,” she explained.
Can you ‘change’ someone who does not want to leave their “h*e phase”?
As much as many people want someone to change their ways for them, it is not always possible to encourage this, Thomas said.
“That’s part of the chase,” she explained. “They’re out there spreading their wings and enjoying their life and being promiscuous, and [people try] to see if [they] can be ‘the one.’
“That’s part of the game,” she continued. “If you are in it to win it, then you have to take a look at, [if] that [is] really going to be the type of relationship that’s going to be successful.”
Thomas compares the situation to Love Island, where contestants date multiple people, but get in trouble if they are caught getting too close to multiple people. She explained that it’s natural for people who are actively dating to want the person they are seeing to decide to only see them, but it’s not always possible.
“If you want to have a monogamous relationship, then that person is going to have to make a decision about what they want to do, and it’s not going to be based on a game. It’s going to be based on emotions and feelings,” Thomas said.
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
