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In an era when almost everyone seems to want an enormous penis, there are downsides to oversizing that are seldom discussed.One problem is balance. In ancient times, before trousers, someone with an enormous penis could let the weight of his phallus hang right down from the middle of his being. With the advent of the binary trouser unit, however, the penis was exiled from its place of equipoise and tilted off kilter down one leg or the other. With a regular-sized penis this might not be much of a problem, but with a particularly massive penis the skewing of balance can cause excessive strain to one side of the back. A terrible side result is frequent lower lumbar injuries, which are common among men with enormous penises.
The image of big-penised men fainting from lack of blood whenever they get erections has been at the core of numerous pan-cultural jokes. The truth, however, is unfortunately considerably less comic. Huge-penised men have to studiously avoid turn-ons. Nothing must arouse them. It becomes a life-and-death issue. Censored news reports from the early 20s have recently come to light showing streets littered with the bodies of big-penised men who had fainted outside the strip clubs of Glasgow, Scotland. As recently as last month, a big-penised wrestler in Santa Monica is reported to have “inflainted” outside an *NSYNC concert and been run over by a steam roller.
Regular-sized-penis people take the freedom to wear shorts for granted, but for a man with an enormous penis the problem is obvious. Sure, if he knew exactly how big his penis might be, he could develop special orthopedic shorts, but the penis is unpredictable. It’s a master of sudden, almost mythic morphations. Sadly, even in heat waves many big-penised men choose to suffer through the confinement of long trousers rather than the embarrassment of literally bursting through a pair of shorts.
The very best item of clothing for men with big penises is the common housedress. Beneath such loose raiment big penises can hang and swing as nature intended. This is why the Scottish wear kilts. Because they are all men with big penises.
Perhaps the saddest consequence for men with “too-big” penises is the complete physical impossibility of normal sexual intercourse. Even here, social repercussions can exacerbate the difficulty, for it is incumbent upon any man with a too-big penis to alert interested men and women to this fact. All too often, though, such fair warnings as “I just want you to know I have a too-big penis” can be taken as a challenge or incitement, which only serves to redouble the pursuer’s efforts.
No wonder big-penised men experience twice the national average rate of depression. Such men can be desperate. They seek the dreaded surgical reduction. This operation, which removes cross-sections of the corpus collosum at the base of the penis, is not without considerable hazard. There are no guarantees other than the certainty of hideous pain for weeks. Some men do achieve the desired result of a smaller penis, but for others the results often can be horrifically disappointing: tilting, folding, curving, lolloping, scarry penises.
Even for those men whose penises are not too large for intercourse, there is the agony of one-size-fits-all condoms. In the days before AIDS, condoms used to be so tiny in relation to an extremely large penis, it was like trying to pull down one of those rubber thimbles over a fair-sized English cucumber. Even now, with all the so-called Largees, Thickees and Grandes, responsible men with big penises must resort to the expense of custom-made condoms. The toil and travel of finding specialty jock stores and the ever-present threat therein of encountering up-leg cameras that could easily plaster one’s elephantiasis all over the Internet is just one more travail that the man with the enormous penis must suffer.
A positive aspect of the whole enormous penises problem was revealed recently thanks to scientific investigation. It has long been known that receptor cells that were once thought to exist only in the human brain exist throughout the body — including in the penis. New tests on men with big penises, however, show the presence of a surprisingly high percentage of dendrite cells — the cells used for ideation and cogitation. For once, popular folklore may turn out to be correct. Men do think with their penises. And men with big penises more so. At least I think so.Robert (Mac)Priest: rpriest@interlog.com
