What to know
- Torontonians differ on when it’s appropriate to say “I love you,” ranging from a few weeks to several months, depending on comfort and connection.
- Relationship expert Jen Kirsch emphasizes gauging sincerity, understanding your partner’s actions, and protecting yourself from rushed or performative declarations.
- Observing quality time, commitment, and consistent behaviour can help determine if feelings are genuine before saying the L-word.
You’re on a date, everything’s going well, and then they drop the big three words. Do you freak out, say it back, or panic and say “thank you?”
In an era of situationships, casual relationships, and (if you’re lucky) love – it can be difficult to know the right time to say I love you.
For this edition of This is Dating Now, we asked Toronto locals to share their timeline to dropping the L-word to a significant other.
In Leroy W.’s case, someone told him they loved him too early… so he left.
In the moment, he respectfully replied he had feelings for her too, but decided not to proceed further.
“I have to get to know the person. I can’t just say something shallow like ‘I love you.’ It’s not good and honest… because if they say ‘I love you’ first, and I don’t feel it, I can’t say it,” Leroy said. Like Shawn Mendes’ song, it shouldn’t be “Three Empty Words.”
Relationship expert Jen Kirsch explains to Now Toronto that with time, experience and age, people tend to learn how to better react to situations that are so sensitive to someone else’s heart and emotions, as Leroy did.
However, saying a response like “thank you,” as seen in the hit show Friends, can seem hurtful. hurtful.
“To me, it’s a little callous with the words you could say. I would say something stronger than thank you, like ‘I appreciate this sentiment, and I don’t know if I’m there yet… XYZ,” Kirsch said.
To Leroy, saying ‘I love you too’ too quickly “sounds really needy.” But Kirsch thinks differently. Some people feel it after years, others can feel it immediately, but “you just need to sort of safeguard yourself… and determine whether someone’s being genuine or not.”
But in the era of lovebombing, it’s important to be wary of those three words, especially for the younger generation. Kirsch warns to be careful of someone’s reputation: if they’re always known to say ‘I love you’ to partners, and to ask ‘what is it about me that you’re falling for?’
“Be open to a conversation. It doesn’t need to be a statement and then done. Or you go to ChatGPT or your bestie to figure out what they mean,” Kirsch told Now Toronto.
Another Torontonian, Oni C., still believes in a timeline for saying those three words: never before one month. She feels she can’t get to know someone properly in that timeframe and joked “one month is not even probation at a job.”
But if you add two extra weeks, then that’s the timeline that Cassidy and Julien said “I love you” to each other.
Cassidy explains “I think a lot of people expect, like, around three months, but I feel like it could be a month. It could be half a year. I feel like a year is maybe long, but everyone’s different, so you never know.”
Julien simply puts it that “when you know, you know.”
On that note, Kirsch shares that it’s important to share moments together and understand the way both partners love each other – actions speak louder than words. To know if someone is truly in love – or lovebombing you, you can ask yourself these questions.
- Are they spending quality time with you?
- Are they messaging other people?
- Are they still dating other people?
- Are they choosing to be monogamous with you?
- Are they including you when they go out with their friends, if they are out and not including you?
- Are they in touch while they’re out? Or do they kind of vanish for a couple days?
- Did they confess their love after an hour (that’s too early!)
- Did they confess only after hooking up?
She shared an anecdote of how she confirmed she was in love; when her significant other at the time wrote in her birthday card that he loved her – an act she found so romantic and touching, especially with the lack of traditional love letters nowadays.
“You don’t want to be saying it just because someone says it, and then two weeks later, you’re realizing you don’t even want to fully settle down, and you know you don’t want to mess with people too. There’s no need to rush saying it. But if you genuinely feel it is like the first week, and you believe that to be true at the time, go ahead and say it,” Kirsch said.
