What to know
- Some Torontonians say body count matters, calling those with many partners “nasty”; others call it a social construct.
- Toronto-born sex educator and Bumble relationship expert Shan Boodram says a better question to ask your partner isn’t their body count, but rather what their sexual health status is.
- There’s a stigma around women and body count: men are celebrated for high numbers, women face “slut shaming.”
Is there such a thing as being “ran through,” or does body count not matter anymore?
Everyone knows the double standard: men can have a high body count, but women should be inexperienced.
Toronto-born sex educator and Bumble Relationship expert Shan Boodram explains that historically, body count has been used as a method to control women’s bodies, rights and sexual lives, whether that stems from religion, culture or traditions.
But for people asking their partner about their body count, they should be ready to answer the same question. Body count is a two-way street, and it isn’t always treated as such.
For this edition of This Is Dating Now, we went to Toronto’s party strip, King St. W, to ask Torontonians if body count matters.
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So, does it actually matter to people in Toronto?
For Toronto resident Deb, it matters. “I don’t like people are, like, using my girlfriend and [I’m] using again… I need my personal things, and I need my girlfriend with me only.”
He continues that his limit would be “using” two to three people in a whole lifetime, but shares that his concern is regarding AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases.
On that end, Boodram shares a better question to ask your partner isn’t the body count, but rather what is their sexual health status.
“Whether you have had 100 partners or you’ve had one partner, chlamydia is not about frequency; it’s just about exposure. And so the person who’s had sex once… if they had sex with somebody with chlamydia, they are just as likely,” Boodram said.
What is considered nasty?
Another Toronto resident, Ava, echoes Deb’s thoughts. “Yes, body count matters because if you ran through, that’s gross and nasty.”
She believes body count is a societal construct, yet agrees with the idea, and says she thinks a girl should have fewer than 10 partners.
Personally, Ava says she’s only had one sexual partner so far and would like her partner to have zero experience.
But what even is a body count?
Boodram interprets it as the number of people you’ve had penetrated vaginal sex, giving a reference, “If you’ve had 40 anal partners, and you only had two vaginal partners, and you answered two [for your body count], I think that would suffice.”
She also questions the idea that body count only applies to that one specific sexual act. “What about the person who’s made out with 1,000 people but only had sex with one partner… what about the person who’s given oral sex to tons of people that maybe they’ve only had four penetrative partners?”
Boodram explains that there are so many additional questions to ask, so what exactly is it that you’re concerned about?
If someone has had sex with multiple people consensually and while being single, “they were exercising their right to enjoy their body with people who wanted to enjoy their body with them,” Boodram tells Now Toronto. But if they cheated on a partner in the past, that could possibly be an indicator of character.
“What value system do you have? Are you deducing that this person doesn’t have value because they’ve had many partners? And, like I said, like, what do we even mean by sex, and what constitutes a partner versus not a partner?” Boodram said.
Performative or growth?
Other Torontonians shared that body count does not matter to them.
Eric, a Toronto resident, went as far as to encourage as many sexual partners as one desires. “The more bodies, the better. Why put a cap on things?”
He assures that the whole idea of body count is indeed a societal construct. “The premise that your value is contingent on how many people you’ve slept with is completely a construct.”
What’s best: more or less experience?
For one Torontonian, Prakhar, he wants a higher body count for himself to get “an ego boost.”
Comparatively, another Torontonian, Christian, wishes his partner to have a body count “relatively the same” as his, to which he elaborates, “so we’re not comparing each other to other experiences.”
“I mean, more experience brings more options. So it’s like, what if I’m not good enough and stuff?” Christian said.
Boodram disagrees with the whole idea of comparison in bed. “If you look at sex as a competition between yourself and your partner, or you look at it as a place to pacify your ego, as opposed to being a learner, then I think that you would prefer somebody with experience.” She speaks about the latter, “If you’re not really planning on being an explorative or curious lover, and you’re really just relying on that person not having experienced much at all, so that you get the wow factor, then it does make sense to look for somebody less experienced.”
But she continues that in a professional setting, “You want to hire somebody for a job who has more experience, not less experience… So it’s just interesting that when it comes to intimacy, some people prefer the flip.”
Is this a conversation across generations?
For 45-year-old Anthony, he neither thinks about it nor cares. “It’s a misconception… Like, how many notches on the belt you have?”
For him, it’s fine if the number is more than his, as long as they’re “meant to be” with him. “If we have a connection, it’s all that matters.”
He shares that 100 would be an issue, but that five or 10 is fine. Anthony explains, “I’m 45, okay, so if I were to meet somebody now, I would be like, ‘Okay, you have 15 to 20 under the belt.’”
But is it realistic to limit the body count to 20 people at 45 years old?
Beyond the number
Makayla, a Toronto resident, shares that there are so many factors beyond the number. “It’s a bit dark to say, but you don’t know if it was consensual or not, so they could be not giving you the full story.”
She explains that it’s also unfair to judge someone based on their body count without getting to know them. “They could be a really good person deep down, and they just had a time, you know, where they were going out and about.”
When it comes to body count, there’s a big stigma towards women. “100 per cent in society today… a guy could have 20 or 30 bodies, and they’re hyped up for it. But vice-versa, if it were for a female, they’d be slut-shamed, they’d be called names, talked about behind their back.” She believes, “relationships are 50-50, you shouldn’t be judging a female if she has the same count as a male.”
Boodram emphasizes, “We’re allowed to keep information back that we feel is personal to us and not pertinent for other people to know.”
If you meet on Bumble, Boodram suggests using “values and traits badges” to find like-minded people. This way, those who care about body count connect, and those who don’t aren’t bothered.
Got a dating story for us? We want to hear it! Send your experiences to news@nowtoronto.com for a chance to be featured in a future edition of This Is Dating Now.
