What to know
- Women online have been leaving behind items for the “other woman” to find.
- Toronto women share creative and sometimes elaborate methods for catching cheating partners, from leaving physical clues like lashes or notes to confronting their partners directly.
- An expert advises focusing on behavioural changes—such as emotional withdrawal, defensiveness, and lack of transparency—as these are usually more revealing than so-called “clever tactics.”
Have you ever suspected your partner of cheating but weren’t sure how to catch them in the act?
If you’ve ever found an item that wasn’t yours in your partner’s car or home, it might have been left behind by another woman on purpose.
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Women have been posting techniques on social media to catch cheaters; some methods include leaving lashes behind in a man’s car or room, fake nails, or hair ties. Some women even take it to another level, wearing body glitter and hugging men on their dates, so if they have another partner at home, they will be caught.
Now Toronto asked women in Toronto about their reactions to the viral method and what they would do instead.
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A Toronto resident, Praxi, tells Now Toronto that she believes in a similar technique to the one seen online, “I would leave a note, I’ve seen people [online] that have left notes in secret places.”
But she adds that she would also ask her partner, and his reaction could be a clear sign of cheating or loyalty.
“[If he tells you] ‘oh, you’re crazy, you’re wrong about it,’ that’s a red flag.”
Another Torontonian, Jan, shared that she found her ex-partner cheating through her home video cameras by accident, but typically, “[when] you know, you know.”
She’s led by her gut and sometimes checks social media, but she’ll choose to “just confront the situation and deal with it,” stating she’s not one to “wait and play games.”
Echoing this sentiment, Toronto resident Melissa, who’s been married for 18 years, says, “If you’re feeling like he’s not giving you the energy you deserve: goodbye, move on, you deserve better.”
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As to wearing body glitter to expose his cheating to another woman, she says, “If you want to wear glitter and it sets your mind at ease that you’re flagging him in some way, then all the power to you.”
To look out for other women, Toronto resident Lisa would “grill him and make him feel conscious enough to maybe come clean.”
Before going to that extent, she would first make her partner trust her completely, then secretly look at his phone. She also added she might “ask for his Google email password, saying ‘something happened, I got locked out of my account’ and that she needs to use his password for something.”
Then, if that mission is successful: “I would have their password on file – and when they’re not looking, I’d look through their emails, iCloud, location, and then I could see if he was cheating on me.”
But that sounds like too much work for Erin. To minimize the effort, she laughs, “I would hire a private investigator.”
Breakup Coach weighs in
Natalia Juarez, a breakup coach and founder of Lovistics, chimes in on this trend of “catching” someone cheating. “Most people don’t catch cheaters through clever tactics … discovery usually shows up through patterns.”
Cheating becomes evident when the relationship dynamic “stops making sense,” and it’s not always about finding a clear sign, such as a lipstick stain or other “traditional” methods to “catch” a partner.
To find out if your partner is cheating, look out for these top three behavioural changes:
- Emotional withdrawal: “They might stop sharing about their day, and it becomes harder to connect with them.”
- Defensiveness.
- Change in transparency if they’re not openly disclosing details about their day.
Trust your intuition, too. “If something is bothering you, that’s enough justification to bring something up.”
She recommends following a script along these lines: “I want to talk to you about something. I’m not sure how to bring this up, but I’ve been noticing some things, and I’m feeling something in my intuition that I’m wondering if there’s anything going on with you – if you are connecting with someone else.”
She emphasizes the word “connecting,” as it leaves it open to include both sleeping with someone or emotional intimacy, especially digital intimacy, which makes it easier than ever to cheat (and get caught).
Now, if you suspect you are the “other woman,” Juarez suggests disclosing the man’s cheating from “the right place” to his other partner. Tell them you are speaking from experience, and looking out for them.
Other people might not want to get involved, though, and she reassures that this is a very personal decision to make and to be “very clear on what purpose [exposing a cheater] is serving them,” with genuine intent or to punish the man, because that can make you more emotionally invested.
“I would really encourage people to just reclaim their power,” Juarez said.
If you want to support another woman without directly telling her, she does say you can leave something behind, but to also question
- Why don’t you trust this person?
- Why get curious?
- Why do you want to continue being involved with someone whom you have these concerns about?
Juarez explains that leaving something behind when you are the person in the relationship usually comes from an anxious attachment style.
“Statistically, people with anxious attachment are the ones who have the hardest time having open, direct communication because it will threaten the bond. Their fear of abandonment overrides their ability to advocate for themselves.”
She concludes, from her professional experience, that your role is not to ‘play detective.’ If you feel compelled to investigate, she recommends a serious and open conversation instead.
